2020 has been shit. And I thought it wouldn’t affect me but it has. Is a planet in retrograde for Scorpios or something? Like why is the world descending into madness in 2020?
I was going to do a happy post about my adventures in Singapore and Malaysia, where I went on holiday for the last two weeks in Feb, but upon coming back these first two weeks in March have been SHIT for me. I wouldn’t say it has been the worst two weeks of my life; my worst two weeks was probably sometime when I was younger and in my first full time job where I was treated like shit. However, this is up there in a list of worst weeks that I will probably remember for the rest of my life. And if I ever forget I can reread this post again and relive my terrible times, cute.
My next post will probably be about Singapore and Malaysia, however I couldn’t write that before getting these two weeks off my chest because it is a fucking doozy.
So I left Singapore on the 28th of Feb, which was something like a 15 – 16 hour journey including the transits. Noone likes long haul flights, but I also HATE the smell of airplane food. It smells like Styrofoam and the inside of a microwave to me and it lowkey makes me want to gag, but I couldn’t on the flight or else I would be accused of coronavirus. I only had one meal early on in the journey, because the smell of ‘breakfast’ was making me feel sick. I HATE that fake powdered egg and those stifled sausages and watery tomatoes, and then the cold ass yoghurt that makes my stomach turn and the hard, underripe and cold fruit salads EEEURGGGHh. And then the dry crackers and the dry and cold cheddar cheese and eating it all on a little grey plastic table and hearing the flight attendants repeat the meal like 500 times to every passenger, DISGUSTING. I knew that I would need to be in some sort of self isolation when I came back, and my flatties had let me know that the washing machine in our house was broken.
My dad drove me and my brothers back from the airport, and at the point I was very tired because of no sleep, and also very hungry because I didn’t eat anything on the plane. My dad, being Asian, of course asks if we are hungry. I said yes.
My parents have always been at me about my weight. A conversation with them isn’t complete without them commenting that I need to eat less and exercise more. Because I can’t stand my parents telling me what to do, I eat bad and until I’m full to spite them, and it feels sooo good. I think it’s a problem, even my hypnotherapist (I’ll explain in… another blogpost) was like.. “maybe you should just eat healthy and lie to your parents that you’re not so you feel better”. I LOVE not doing what my parents tell me to do. If my parents said “don’t move out, don’t dye your hair, don’t wear makeup, don’t quit any of your jobs, don’t go travelling and save your money” I would do all those things.
Oh wait, I did!
(And also, a quick demonstration of how a lot of Kiwi-Asians are seen as weak willed to Kiwis for listening to their parents so much, and rebellious/trouble to Asians for not listening to their parents so much).
Anyway, admitting that I am hungry becomes a source of fucking glee to my dad, who’s like “Good! You don’t need to eat anyway. You shouldn’t eat anything.”
Do you know how infuriating it is when you are extremely hungry, for someone to tell you that you don’t need food because you’re too fat. And coming from a MAN of all things as well.
For reference, this is what I look like:
When I was in high school and fitting sizes NZ 4-6, my mum constantly would say I couldn’t gain any more weight. Can you imagine. A size 6, the smallest size that sometimes retail shops don’t stock it and I was already considered at the brink of becoming overweight. One of the reasons I’m so combative with my parents is that I feel if I listened to them, I would be extremely insecure about my body and would develop eating disorders or body dysmorphia if I actually valued their opinion. For reference, this is what I looked like in high school:
A tshirt that everyone else you can see their shorts, and it was too big on my skinny little ass and was like a dress. Also I’m so SHORT T.T
Mummy and Daddy issues aside, after having an unhappy meal with my parents where I was plotting ways I could hurt them back (I’ve decided to point out a flaw of theirs if they comment on my weight. Not that my weight is a flaw) I had a long sleep during the weekend to get over the jet lag and sleep debt.
One of the joys of my life was my flatcat Booboo. ‘Was’ should clue you in. I knew I was going to need to work from home in self quarantine, and that was great because it means I would get to have my baby Boo all to myself and since she likes being with company, she would probably sit in my bed with me. I had gone two weeks without my baby I was ready for her smelly, constantly hungry, squishy and cute little face. I think everyone in my life (so basically.. all my Instagram followers) knew that I was OBSESSED with Booboo. I loved Booboo so so so so much. I love cats, and when my flatmate first asked if it was ok if her cat lived with us I was like UM that is like MY PERFECT SCENARIO. I LOVE CATS. I never understood how pet owners seemed to become “immune” to their pets and can walk past them without immediately giving them attention. I thought living with a cat would make me understand, maybe you get used to them constantly being there to not fuss over them whenever you see them.
Turns out I still couldn’t understand, because I gave Booboo attention 24/7 these last two years. She was a cutie in that she never scratched or bit, and she really like tummy rubs. She was pretty calm for a cat, and had a big personality of always wanting food lol. I was always petting her, or brushing her, giving her treats or trying to give her hugs and kisses.
Last Monday she seemed like she was feeling really rough – just lying down and not wanting to eat, which set off alarm bells. My flatmate’s mum took her to the vet who said there was a tumour in her liver and her kidneys were failing. She gave Booboo pain relief and said she might need to be put down in the next 5 days but Booboo died herself early on Tuesday morning at my flatmate’s Mum’s house.
I was, and still am, heartbroken. I could write ‘she was my baby’ for the next 1000 pages and it still wouldn’t be enough to show how much I feel. I told all my friends and fam stories about Booboo, constantly posted about her and invited them to visit to look at my pride and joy.
I miss her so much 🙁 .Her company was just so pure, like just wanting to spend time with you and always looking so cute and furry. She was always so entertaining and cute, like making noises to try get your attention for treats, snoring, being extremely happy on my bed because the blankets excited her. Me and my flatmates could talk for hours about Booboo like she was our little child whose every action was super cute. She could do no wrong.
For all the cat haters who say cats use you for food, I wasn’t the primary feeder of Booboo but she still wanted to spend time with me. It’s so nice to have a cute little animal ‘know’ you, and be happy to be with you and relax around you. I don’t find human babies /that cute/ but I know my ovaries exist since they go haywire over a pic of a snoozing kitten.
I told some of my coworkers, one of which spread it around the workplace and I was getting condolence messages while I was literally crying nonstop on the day, which I didn’t appreciate. Not the messages, but the spreading around as she didn’t even ask me, and I hadn’t even directly told her. So. Wasn’t happy about that.
I’m glad that I managed to see her for a few days and that she didn’t die when I was on holiday. I also have zero regrets about not spending time with her or anything because I loved her as much and I showed it as often as I could to Booboo.
Even now, writing this is making me tearing up. I never thought I would miss a cat so much. But she was my baby. She was the apple of my eye, and a comfort that I appreciated so, so much. She made my days so much more cuter and sweet. I’m working alone all day talking to no one and there is no kitty scratching on her post for attention or leaping up onto the chair next to me and making me smile. I’m never going to see my cutie baby or rub her tummy again 🙁 🙁 This picture below hurts my heart 🙁
So yes, that sucked x100. That only happened last week and there have been a lot of tears. During this time, the windows were now having problems and the laundry machine was still broken.
Also, the day after Booboo died, one of my bffs told me she was moving to Australia forever. I will miss her heaps but I think she will have a great time and it is the best decision she could’ve made. I’ve known her since I was 13, and we spent a lot of the last few years eating cake at candlelit cafes and complaining about our lives (which is highly enjoyable haha). I had imagined maybe we would spend more years evolving from evening desserts romanticising about how great being a stay at home mum would be to breakfast coffees where we would complain about school pick up times and children. I mean, it still might happen. But being able to see her weekly and complain about mundane things like the price of grapes during the winter and how cooking for one person is so hard was so nice, and I will miss her heaps 🙁 . But I 100% believe this move will be good and so proud she is making this step. Love you lots if you’re reading this! <3 <3
Over the weekend, I went to see my parents again. For all their comments about my weight aside, they’re normally ok since they’ve realised I don’t listen to them. They didn’t know about Booboo, and my Mum had been a big fan of her. However, it spiralled to ‘you don’t have enough friends’. Which is not great when I’m already in self isolation talking to no one, my baby Booboo had died and my friend is moving away. So I spent Saturday night having a massive cry feeling like I had no one.
One of the biggest things I miss about relationships is being able to have someone listen to you, and to have a first person to tell when you’re feeling shitty or if you want to celebrate something. It’s perfectly ok to pretend to be happy for your coworkers and friends, but to do it to your partner is a form of lying. I love how being truthful about your feelings and what you’re thinking is the basis of relationships. I’ve told boys so much stuff that I haven’t told other people. I miss having that person, and being that number one person who hears all the secrets. Texting your bff live updates of your meltdown at 1am? I don’t think it’s necessary unless I was really freaking out and not feeling safe. But texting your bf live updates of your meltdown at 1am? Part of the job description. Although shout out to my bff for being there for me… especially during what happened to me two days ago…!!
I like resolving things, so I let the landlord know regarding the windows who promised to fix them and I organised for the washing machine to be fixed too since I was going to be home this week as well. I found a tradie with 5 star reviews on a site that links affordable tradies to people (sort of like a web version of uber) and he came over two days ago. He was this dude around in his late 40s or early 50s.
As I’m showing him the washing machine, he asked me straight away what my ethnicity was, if I was married or I had a boyfriend, and why not. I get that A LOT, especially from older men, so I brushed that off and left him to it while I went back to work.
He called me in to explain that the pump has become unattached, and so saw me working on my laptop. He started saying that I look like a doll, which I’m like … ok… maybe because of me sitting and doing work on my laptop and being still?
He fixed the washing machine, so he was showing me a quick demo with a cycle. I was in a baggy tshirt, shorts, no makeup and hair in a messy bun just watching the washing machine and not saying anything (not that what I’m wearing matters) when he started talking about my arms and legs.
He starts telling me that “your arms and legs are so cute, they’re so perfect, you’re so cute, I like you so much”. I’m so confused, so I keep saying “what?”and making him repeat himself. He said he wished he could take me home so I could “play because you are so cute” and work for him, and how my clothes make me look so cute and rich (? Not sure what he meant there). All this time he is aggressively rubbing my shoulder, I am alone in the house and we are in a cramped bathroom and I KNOW it’s an excuse to make physical contact. I didn’t get rape-y vibes from him, but I would be a fool if I didn’t think about what I should do if things escalated. My plan was to bash his head against the shower as he wasn’t that tall.
As we leave the bathroom, he is still showering me with compliments about how cute and nice I am and how much he likes me which made me quite uncomfortable. He then insists on taking a picture, as in just whips out his phone while I’m like “no, no pictures, no” and just snaps a selfie of us. And then as he leaves, he hugs me without asking, or any indication from my body language. which I KNOW is another excuse to touch me and feel my body.
I was in shock. A fucking strange male who I am paying as a customer hugging me?? Talking about my body??? While I’m alone in the house and he’s trying to find excuses to touch me??? Unprofessional to fucking say the LEAST. When I booked a tradie in I expected to make awkward small talk, not legitimately consider self defence in case of a sexual assault situation. What makes me even madder is that I know he would’ve never behaved like that if I wasn’t alone in the house, and he would know that behaviour is NOT ALLOWED.
So I’m like messaging my bff and flatmates being like ‘omg this just happened to me’ and of course all the classic woman self blame album is playing in my head, featuring our favourite tracks like:
- He kept saying how nice and kind I was, was it because I was too friendly?
- I was wearing a baggy tshirt and shorts, you could see my legs and arms. I also wasn’t wearing a bra because of the baggy tshirt. At least he didn’t rub my back like I was scared he was going to do to find out. Was it what I was wearing?
- I’ve had comments about boyfriends and marriage, and men hugging me as an excuse to feel my body before. Should I brush this off?
- He has 5 star reviews, why is this happening to seemingly *only* me?
- Would anyone believe me if I said this happened? (I had someone question a time when one of my colleagues at an old job got too drunk and was literally draped over me whispering in my ear to get him more drinks since he got cut off from the bar and wildly talking about porn and had someone say “why did he do it to you and not xxx?” Like uhhh.. maybe because he respects me less than xxx? I seemed more easier? How tf is this my problem)
- Is this that bad? I didn’t really think this was going to escalate.
- I should’ve said no more and become more aggressive. But that’s just making the situation worse and I was really confused.
I didn’t know whether to complain about this as I know he is a self employed tradie and it might impact his livelihood. However, he asked us to pay in cash and I got my male flatmate to give him the money.
And this was the text he sent me:
I found this way out of line. I just needed my washing machine fixed, I didn’t pay for a 50 year old pervert to know where I live, what I look like and my number. It’s not my fault that he acted unprofessionally, I am very sure he was in his right mind and wouldn’t do it to a boy or if someone else was home. I complained to the website I found him from last night, and I haven’t heard back. Not only do I not think he should be used for other women who are home alone, but I don’t want him to know that it was me that complained and possibly dampen his business (if the website decide to do anything…. As of right now I don’t even know if they’ll do anything) because I’m sure he’ll remember me and our interaction as he texted me that yesterday.
I’m starting to shift from shock to frustration. I hope the company is trying to craft up a response right now and not going to ignore me or I’m just going to get mad. Because it’s not fair, it’s not right and he shouldn’t be allowed to be enabled by this website to continue on. And if I’m honest, a refund would be nice because this goes beyond piss poor service. But it will be difficult since I want to be so anonymous.
So yeah. These last two weeks, lots of unexpected things came at me- I had my heart totally broken by losing my baby Booboo, one of my bffs is moving away and I got sexually (???) harassed in my own home that I am isolated in.
I’m ready for the world to stop shitting on me now (although thank you for not giving me coronavirus fml) 🙂