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Dirty Hair + Heartburn

Well fuck me it’s only 4 days into 2019 and I have failed at 4 out of 5 of my resolutions!!! So much for ‘lets go 2019’…

I didn’t start off New Years very well. I went to my friends place to get ready and predrink which was great- I had pimms, red wine and peach soju and played with her dog. Unfortunately that meant by 9pm I was sloshed on the way to town.

When we got there I was really hungry- unfortunately everything was either extremely full or closing. I had a burger really quickly but normally don’t eat that fast and I knew I was wolfing it down. We walked around the Federal St block party and it was sort of lame and I was like “lets go back to my place and watch the fireworks” since people were already sitting on the street gearing up. The perks of living in central Auckland was that it took 15 mins to get back home, so I only needed to hold my vomit for 15 minutes…

I am starting to think maybe I have a slight allergy to alcohol because whenever I get quite tipsy or drunk I ALWAYS end up throwing up. I have never been able to get drunk without throwing up, which is a terrible habit to have. I feel like I need to re evaluate.

So basically the uber was super bumpy and I literally sprinted from the uber to the bathroom -__- I didn’t miss the fireworks but kept having to excuse myself for little spews -___- and the sad thing was that I was no longer drunk- I had peaked at 9pm :’(

On the theme of reevaluation, let’s also talk about my big fat fails in the last 4 days. My hair is so dirty and messy and I wanted to look after my appearance and skin better. I haven’t even done a face mask.  I was also supposed to also look after my health as well and not eat chips but of course that meant I ate like a bowl full of Doritos last night, drank heaps these last few weeks and ate a fuck ton of unhealthy carbs that now I have indigestion and major heart burn.

So the start of 2019… is not going the best. But you know what? I don’t care. My flat cat loves me, and this indigestion will literally force me to stop eating junk. And I’ll wash my hair…. soon (TBC).

Let’s go 2019!

Let’s go 2019!

Hope you all had a good Christmas! My office doesn’t really close and I didn’t put in any annual leave, so I only have the public holidays off so I worked Xmas Eve and Boxing Day and will continue to work.

It’s going to be 2019 soon and honestly, I can’t wait. Normally everyone is like “omg can you believe its 2019 already” but I am feeling INSPIRED, honey. For some reason I feel like 2019 is going to be my year. I’m not sure whether this is a premonition, or whether it’s because I want it so badly to be my year that I’ve sub consciously convinced myself that it will be (if I jinx myself and 2019 turns out to be the worst year yet…..!!!)

I don’t know why I’m feeling so energized but I’ve already thought about some *resolutions* that I have faith in myself for achieving.

  • Care more about my appearance and self pamper

It’s not common for a resolution to be more self conscious but I feel like I should put more effort into my hair, nails and body. For some reason I am very lazy when it comes to my hair. I just wash it with discount shampoo and kmart conditioner, let it airdry (‘let it’ makes me sound like I’m putting an effort into air drying… the truth is because I’m too lazy to blowdry it) and then brush it. Washing my hair is one of the tasks I dislike doing and I’m always trying to push the amount of days between washes. I don’t know why I dislike doing my hair so much- I think it’s because I’m so bad at making it look nice. Whether I put in lots of effort or not, it sort of looks the same.

My resolution is to care more about my hair. I’m going to colour it and try make it sleek and smooth.

I also want to get my nails done more, and get pedicures because they feel nice. And also get massages!! I haven’t had a massage since I got my tits out for one in Thailand lololol

  • Lose weight

Can you believe it, I haven’t eaten an artificial orange chip in over a month. It’ll be nearly 2 months soon. I have not eaten a whole packet of chips by myself in a while- I’ll take that as a win. I also have been making green smoothies and actually buying and eating salads, and going to yoga once a week. Of course I eliminate that by constantly buying take out and eating out, but baby steps in 2018… 2019 I will be a big girl (ironically. Please be ironically…)

  • Work more on this blog

I think it’s sort of ridiculous that I’ve been writing in this blog for so long and nothing has come of it and I work in social media. I would like to see me rate and work on my own content as hard as I work and rate others.

  • Be better at reading people

My manager at work is soooo good at reading people and their personalities, so she is soo good at figuring out their motivations and predicting their actions. I wish I was that astute and I think I can do it- I can’t say there have been times that I’ve been totally surprised by people’s actions, but I wish I could come to a point where I could predict what people are going to do and be right. Such a useful skill to have, and to figure out who might screw me over and who I should keep close. Of course, I trust my friend circle quite a lot, and trust them all to never gossip or cause drama about me or the things that I tell them but that’s also because I’ve known the majority of them for YEARS. I want to be good at reading new people too.

  • Look after my health and skin more

Not that I have terrible health, but I don’t one day be surprised with something. I haven’t gone to the doctors since 2013. And guess what? I’m trying not to go in 2019. This might be a bad attitude, but I haven’t had a reason to go- all I’ve gotten are colds in the last 6 years, and maybe a few bouts of flu- I figure it can’t be too bad since I’ve never lost my appetite while sick. My periods are extremely predictable, I’ve had no aches or pains and I haven’t even really had any real fevers.

This all is great, although I hit a slight road bump after I discovered I get heart burn and indigestion when I eat too much bad food. And instead of changing my ways, this year I sort of kept eating bad food until I recognise that I’m starting to feel nauseous and bloated and then teeter back into eating more clean which consists of me drinking multiple cups of chamomile tea and avoiding tomatoes. In 2019, I am going to stop eating so much bad food. Every meal is not treat meal. There are other snacks than chips.

I just know that I’m going to have such a difficult time when I have kids because my pain tolerance is extremely low 😛 I haven’t even had a blood test in my memory.

Skin wise, I have been using an Estee Lauder day cream that I kid you not, is $100. The shit thing is that it actually works. I can’t really afford $100 creams. Or should I actually be doing this and investing in my skin?

 

I am feeling really good about my resolutions, I’m feeling quite motivated to start and achieve them. Let’s. get. It. 2019!!

 

 

Bad Day

i’ve had a terrible day today. I feel like everything is going wrong and it doesn’t help that I’m super emotional about it. I don’t even want to get into detail since it will probably hype me up and make me cry again, but today has been shit.

Also, did you know Ryan from Million Dollar Listing NY does a vlog series on youtube? I watched it and then stalked onto his instagram. The point of this random point is that on his insta he said he used to get panic attacks, and one thing that calmed him down was making a list of everything that was wrong in his life, and then everything that was good and it would make him feel better. And if I’m going to write something I might as well capitalise on it and put it onto my blog lolol.

Everything Wrong In My Life

  • No boyfriend and im going to die alone
  • work pressure, added responsibilities and busy season at work
  • not saving enough money as I used to
  • not losing enough weight
  • my body (lookswise)
  • I think I have a UTI
  • I’m definitely hormonal
  • a lot of my friends are not in Auckland 🙁
  • my toes are bruised from walking in heels in the CBD all of Tuesday
  • only have public hols off
  • cant eat rashuns (I have banned myself from eating artificial orange cheese chips)
  • i have forgotten my login and password to my internet banking and now i have to reset it….
  • i haven’t paid my sole trader tax yet on my second job….. I owe like $500 in tax. Or was it $700 -____-

Ohh I see how this is going. Now my problems don’t seem so bad since only a few of them really worry me.

Everything Good in my Life

  • my brother graduated and got his degree
  • I ate at The Kimchi Project, which I’ve been wanting to try for years
  • my flatmate/friend, who will cry with me :”'( i was actually so touched, if you’re reading this I love you!
  • my friends
  • social media
  • its Friday tomorrow
  • my work phone got upgraded to a iphone XR
  • my macbook hasnt crapped out when a lot of my friends who have one do
  • my flatcat went on my bed for the first time last night and she was so happy she dribbled
  • i have no debt
  • i have not missed 1 session of yoga
  • its getting closer to 2019

I feel a little bit better. I just don’t really want to think about it any more. Plus I didn’t notice my flat cat sneaking inside my room and I just gave her a massive fright and now I feel guilty lol :/

 

 

 

 

 

Scorpio Season Nearly Over

Scorpio Season Nearly Over

Hello everyone, how are you? I am… so sick…  so not that great. I have what I feel like is a chest infection, but since it’s like a cold I refuse to go to the doctor over something I’m familiar with. I haven’t been to the doctor since I was 19, so 6 years- because I don’t really go unless I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And since I generally do, I haven’t gone in years haha. I just hate how you can’t get an appointment when you want to- it’s always a few days later and I’m normally better by then.

I know that I left you on a downward spiral last week where I had my weekly existential crisis over my motivations but today we are sick physically but better mentally lol. I’ve been thinking about how there’s pretty much only 1 month left of 2018 and all the things I’ve achieved this year. This month I’ve finished my 8 week yoga course, which blows my mind since I specifically remember buying the course online and turned 25 (disgusting). And normally my mind’s path is 25 = what have I got to show for it, I’m actually at peace with what I have gotten up to this year.

  • I went to Thailand and China. For some reason I woke up with Thailand on my mind this morning. The heat, the convenience stores, the constant smell of fish sauce and the dogs that just run around the street. One of the saddest things about our trip to Thailand was that my brothers and I LOVED going to the convenience store and buying up all the cheap snacks that we had not seen before, and yet was very geared to our Asian taste. RIP us forgetting just the amount of snacks we bought in our bags, and ending up having to dump heaps at Customs before boarding our flight to China RIP RIP. So sad.
  • I went to Queenstown! For work, but I think it was the push I needed to see more of NZ. I never really had much interest in going to Queenstown, but after going I was like I HAVE TO GO BACK TO QUEENSTOWN. It was beauutttiiffuulll, and like everyone on holiday, I started plotting how I could move to Queenstown and spend my days stuck in traffic next to the Queenstown Lakes because even that mundane task was made beautiful in Queenstown. I even got to go on a helicopter ride to the top of.. something… Coronet Peak? The Remarkables? Anyways it was amazing!

They had beautiful mountains, beautiful lakes and beautiful meadows and I wanted to be a part of that beauty. However: a) there are no marketing jobs in Queenstown b) Living in Queenstown is just as, if not more, expensive than Auckland c) I’d have no friends and find hard to make friends in a tourist city when they’re all going to leave d) there is no good Chinese food. I figured that my dream job was to work in some sort of marketing /social media in the Queenstown Council, but I don’t know if they would have the budget to do that? So I managed to talk myself out of that one but if my partner was ever like “lets move to Queenstown” it’s like “have you been looking at my TradeMe property history??”

  • I moved out!! Fucking hallelujah, I was not going to turn 25 and still live with my parents. I am still having a great time at my flat, my friend/flatmate is perfect and her cat is sloowwwlllyyy becoming better friends with me. She only sits on my lap when noone else is in the house but at least she is sitting on my lap :”'( she does get really excited when I try to lie down with her and she did this really cute thing where she breathe-purred all over my face and I thought that was super duper cute :””'(
  • I watched all of Greenleaf, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Suits, Game of Thrones, Designated Survivor up to date. I know this is a weird achievement but they are very good shows and I love watching TV shows. Also Designated Survivor > House of Cards
  • Read more books than last year
  • Because 4 points is bad luck

Thanks so much for reading this and my blog so far! Will be back next week for sure.

Subscription to “Success”

Subscription to “Success”

So I have turned 25 now and I was telling someone that I could have a legitimate quarter life crisis and she was like “crisis? you have nothing to worry about! You’re too young to worry about anything”. And I was like Susan, you are wrong there. I may not need to worry about my kids not sleeping, or my marriage falling apart or financial troubles,  I may not have be at rock bottom, or any where close to the bottom, but you know what I can worry about? Never finding the right person to have those kids or that marriage to fall apart in the first place. How am I supposed to meet this life partner? What should I do with my career- I feel like I am trying my best, but is my best good enough? What do I even ultimately want? I’ve never had an OE, I’ve never been to Europe and I’m scared that I never will. How do I make time for all the things I want to achieve?

I feel like the things I want are contradictory. I want a partner but I barely respond to the boys that shoot their shot. I am chasing after both career and travel when I know full well that I can’t do both at the same time.

Now that I am older and instantly wiser, I have identified my problem. And that is that I am a hard subscriber to other peoples ideas of success to the point that I know it’s their ideas and not mine- and yet I still feel EXTREMELY pressured to achieve it. I mean, there is myself thinking I am successful, but would I really be successful if other people didn’t think I was?? Does a tree falling make a sound if noone is there to hear it…!!! And I want very, very badly for other people to think that I am doing better than ok.

Note that I am saying successful and not happy. Because I am 25 and a fountain of wisdom and critical thinking, I know that success does not equal happiness and happiness is a lot harder to come by. If I lived life for my happiness I would be a volunteer at the SPCA and swimming in debt from the multiple holidays I would’ve booked myself.

For my parents to think I am successful, I need to be earning money, buying a house and marrying now (haha fuck off no way for the last one). For my colleagues to think I am successful, I need to be killing it in my career and getting noticed for it. For my friends and peers to think I am successful I need to be well travelled, look the best I can and be genuinely happy. This has shaped my version of success, where I want all of those things combined, right now. I sort of think I must be greedy- I want everything that other people want, and want me to be the shining example of it and make people either be jealous, respect, or approve of my life.

And I have to ask myself (because I can’t afford a psychiatrist), why do I care about what other people think of me so much?? Isn’t that is the million dollar question in self help books thats supposed to make you realise you’ve been leading your life wrong and start you on the path to happiness- when you realise you should not live up to anyone’s expectations but yourself?

Deep down, I think it’s because I do not want anyone to look down on me because I have not met their expectation of success.

Fuck guys, I may have just realised one of my biggest fears in life- I HATE being looked down upon.

Maybe if I wasn’t Chinese, maybe if I had not started off poor, or extremely shy, maybe if I hadn’t been raised in a culture where everything is about your image, or maybe if I wasn’t such a goddamn people pleaser and wanting to make the people around me happy I wouldn’t have such a complex about it. But I do, and I want to avoid it at all costs because being looked down on closes so many doors. If people think I’m useless, nothing is actually going to come my way. No one will want to be around me. And I don’t know why I value achieving success over achieving happiness so much, but I am so compelled toward wanting to be better, wanting to be more, after achieving one thing its onto the next.

Fortunately, that’s also why I’ve never gelled well with people who like being “popular” lol. I hate people who try to enforce a sense of superiority or hierarchy because I don’t need that “you can’t sit with us” bullshit in my life.

I am just not enough. I’m not making enough money, not enough people love me, I don’t have enough things, experiences, fun. I am constantly measuring myself up to other people’s high expectations and impressions- and I’m so fucking short (like… literally).

 

 

 

Distraction

I’m not a very positive person.

I think I’m quite calm and neutral. I typically don’t get too excited for anything apart from food, however I can go low low low when I am bored, lonely, stressed or anxious. I don’t know why, but I always feel like have one of those emotions quietly simmering at the back of my mind.

I am glad to see that other people my age feel the same way- I read a blog of someone I know who said that she tries to take a walk, grab a coffee and accept her anxious feelings, so at least I’m not alone. I think the anxiety we feel is normal when you’re under pressure to perform, or that you don’t want to disappoint people, or you’re not sure whether the life decision you’ve made was the right choice and although I logically know its normal it still feels shitty.

I realise that I don’t really have a method to make me feel better- in fact, my “solution” is to DISTRACT.

I will always try to distract myself from those feelings rather than focussing on them. It solves it short term, but the feelings always comes to confront you somewhere. Thankfully, the invention of social media means that I can avoid feelings for a longer time #catchretweetsnotfeelings

Ways to distract yourself from reality (apart from binge watching Netflix):

  • Update or make a Pinterest account and start pinning: One of the more conservative of social media, Pinterest is something that you can spend hours doing yet is incredibly hard to be social and therefore be judged on since you can’t find other non celebrity people easily. Make boards about: your dream home and décor, recipes, places you want to travel to, quotes that are dear to your heart, prints and art you like, outfits you like, things you want,  memes you find funny and stuff you’re weirdly obsessed about. I know you have one. Watches? Plants? Mine is waves.
    Also you can make secret boards if you really, really don’t want to be judged, aka boards about your wedding or photos from people you know
  • Go on reddit if you don’t already know how and read some threads. If you’ve never heard of reddit, it’s where Buzzfeed gets all their content with funny stories from but packaged up in a much easier to navigate, but tamer way.
  • Watch some interesting but funny documentaries. And I don’t mean like funny clean documentaries but docos with some personalities that would never be shown on mainstream TV but are wicked funny. I like food and travel so my recommendations are Huang’s World which was made by Vice. My other recommendations are Fuck That’s Delicious and Matty Matheson’s stuff, this guy who only eats pizza and their docos from VICE Japan
  • I know everyone knows to binge watch tv shows and movies on Netflix, but stand up comedians are also very fahnee and underrated in NZ. I like Ali Wong and Daniel Sloss
  • Can you literally tell that I have no other recommendations but to spend time on the internet
  • Walk to your closest dairy or grocery store to buy yourself an icecream (different from coffee, still exciting)
  • Go to an Asian grocery store! I’m very lucky to within walking distance of an Asian grocery store and I love going there because 1) cheaper fruit and veges than chain grocery store and 2) everything is so interesting and different! Like you do not see frozen bitter melons, pickled tofu and roast ducks on the regular. I spend a lot of time just looking at all the different products and seeing what they’re used for. I swear I spent like 10 mins looking at some pickled galangal thinking ‘wow’ the entire time lol.

Of course, there are the tried and true ways of making yourself a cup of tea, talking to a friend or taking a nice long bath but I feel like that is said a lot and I wanted to share my favourite content that helps me take a break from worrying or stressing.

Do you have any other ways that help you distract from dwelling that work for you? Would love to hear them.

See you next Wednesday!

Scorpio Season

Scorpio season is nearly upon us and you know what that means! It’s my time to shine!!

Sorry this post is a little bit late: having an online blog that is public is so much harder when you have secrets (how very Scorpio of me). I’ve learnt the hard way that noone reads what I write… until I say something bad and then everyone suddenly knows what I’ve done.

Since it is nearly my birthday, I have been thinking about what I could get myself. i could never, ever be a minimalist. I don’t know how people do it. On my bed alone, I have so many layers and different types of duvet and sheets for different types of weather and when something is in the wash. I don’t know how they go to their houses and are satisfied with their bare walls and empty gardens. To me, personalisations and possessions bring your presence to a room when you’re not there, and make it so much more comfortable when you are.  Plus it is so fun and nice to have things.

Anyway, here are some more things I want that I am currently thinking about getting.

Things I Am Currently Lusting After/Considering:

  • Estee Lauder Beautiful Belle perfume.

First off, noone raves about Estee Lauder perfume, and I’m not sure if I actually like the scent or the idea of it- it has lychee, which I love and it’s not bad. I do want it but the smallest size is $118 :/

  • Ecoya Sweet Pea & Jasmine candle

The smallest candle costs $20. I know I’m being extremely price focused here but I want bang for my buck. It would be so underwhelming to get myself a small candle that costs $20

  • Peter Alexander Vanilla Caramel (? I think it’s called Tahaar? or is that the character from The Good Place)

The caramel vanilla cookie or something candle in Peter Alexander smells divine. But it is huge and costs $50. I can’t burn it in my room because I’d probably start having a headache and get soot in my lungs.

  • A massage

Can you tell I want to relax with the theme that I am angling at lol. There is a Thai massage place near where I live. Maybe its time to treat myself and pay a stranger rub my body for an hour.

  • a book

Haven’t thought what book I want haha

  • an ipad

I really want an ipad!!

I think out of all of these I want the ipad and the massage the most. I really don’t think I can do both.

So guys, what do you think I should get?? On one hand, a massage could make me feel better but an ipad is a thing that can last forever and I will be able to watch food videos while lying down

Place your votes down below, and see if I I have made up my mind this time next week,….

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trapping a Cat

How to trap a cat, Esther style:

  1. Pet target regularly to get target used to you
  2. Buy target treats
  3. Brush target’s fur regularly
  4. Hug target
  5. Make sure weather is cold so target will appreciate extra warmth
  6. Take yoga classes to ensure bones and legs are bendy
  7. Make sure target is tired and snoozing
  8. Make sure you are alone so target doesn’t prefer anyone else
  9. Soft voices only
  10. Pat target lots until target is purring
  11. Slowly bring your legs up to rest around target so that target is sitting in the circle around your legs
  12. do not freak out that plan is going well
  13. get angry that you didn’t bring your phone but remember that you have a webcam on your computer

14. Become best friends with target and live happily ever after!!!!!!!!!!!! This is my fourth flatmate Booboo, and I’ve been working on trying to get her to be in love with me. I think she knows who I am now, and is used to me- so all that is left for her to do IS FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!!!! She is a baby and I want to hug her lots lots lots.

Esther 4 Booboo 4eva

 

Living Out of Home

So I spent 2 years or even more harping on about how I wanted to move out, moved out and stopped talking about it lol. So I guess I should talk about it a little bit more for closure on this topic haha.

Do you like it?

Yes! I like it very much. I love being able to do what I want when I want, buy what I want, wear what I want and eat what I want. Yes my parents had an opinion and way to do all of the above. I definitely love the freedom.

Do you miss your family?

Honestly, I do believe absence makes the heart grow fonder. My parents haven’t been this nice to me since my age was a single digit and I don’t miss them at all. I do miss my brothers- I guess something that I could try aim towards in the ‘future’ is to buy my own house and have my brothers move in with me. I think we would all have a lot of fun.

What have you been eating?

I don’t like cooking complicated recipes, so I have made Japanese curry, baked chicken, butter chicken with a ready made sauce and pan fry stuff. I am actually looking forward to making a teriyaki beef stirfry in the near future (my flatmate liked it and I liked the sauce) and this self claimed life changing chicken Udon .

I also eat out perhaps once- two times a week, go to my parents about once a week, and then when I make things it typically lasts for about 2-3 servings. So I don’t actually need to cook too much (I think).

Is it expensive?

I think I have been shopping for more clothes and shoes since moving in since I don’t have a mother to judge my purchases more! So yes, I am spending more money than I would’ve at home, but I refuse to be a 25 year old living with their parents so it is what it is. Also I could probably find cheaper rent but only marginally and somewhere thats not central Auckland and convenient. And what’s the point in moving somewhere inconvenient?

Have you been doing your chores?

My room is way cleaner than it was at home! Plus I do laundry, and for the first time ever felt unsettled when my room was messy. Who am I??

Do you get along with your flatmates?

I love my flatmates- we were friends already, I knew they were chill, I am chill, it’s all chill. Also, they have a cat who I am slowly getting to like me. She wanted me to touch her stomach like twice this Sunday and she totally purrs when I touch her now.

Have you learnt anything yet?

Yes.

  • even if they are from kmart things can rack up and if you only want it, you don’t need it
  • I have wasted a lot of money in my life. I never knew my makeup/skincare/bodycare addiction was so bad. I have so many large size shampoos, conditioners and bodywash, makeup I haven’t opened, a lot of skincare masks and moisturisers and not what I actually run out of on the regular- which is contact lens solution. I cannot buy anymore since I have no place to put them now. Except I just bought new shampoo and conditioner yesterday as a backup of backups ….
  • Pets are like babies
  • I would go crazy if it was me and a cat. I’ve always thought it would be glorious living by myself and with a cat. Until I spent a few hours by myself and the cat. The last time I did that was years ago and I started feeling lonely and crazy for constantly baby talking to a cat that would never answer me back. I got sick of the sound of my own voice but I couldn’t stop paying attention to the cat.  I like being on my own- when I lived at my parents house alone for 2 weeks I loved it!! However, I’m not sure if I could live alone for more than a month, even if I had a pet for company. God forbid if I was home alone with a BABY if I find a cat pretty hard!

 

Got any more questions for me? Comment, message me, DM me, tweet me, you know where I am! @missestherz

 

 

 

Thinking Out Loud

If you think I’ve recovered from my Quarterlife Crisis spiral well here’s some news for you: I haven’t lol. I’ve actually been reading ‘Womens Wellness Wisdom’ by Dr Libby and also forced to meditate in yoga class, which all are trying to tell me the same thing: relax. let it go. drink less caffeine. stop being materialistic. eat real food. chill.

Both my yoga classes and Dr Libby both advise meditating (she says that meditating can do the same things as medicines sometimes) but I have discovered that perhaps… maybe I like the stressy thoughts.

I’ve spent years on this blog going through one existential crisis to another, normally bought on by jobs, breakups or just general comparison of my life compared to others and I just generally like thinking about stuff. I like thinking about things I want (pets, houses, clothes, food, furniture, art… let’s say my trademe history is pretty expansive), about what I should do this week, the things I need to get done, even my favourite band. There’s never calmness in my head, and I’m also always compulsively checking and refreshing social media. And you know what? I like it. I never feel bound or ‘sick’ of social media despite my jobs in it. When my yoga instructor tells me to clear my mind, I am literally trying to remember my grocery list. Steamed vegetables. Coconut water. Chips? Juice? Hot sauce. Instant ramen? Instant rice. Grapes. How did I make a Japanese curry again from that video I watched? Cook onions. Buy 2 onions.

Clearing my mind is so.. boring. I don’t actually think meditating is for me… because I have so much fun thinking. It does spiral into worrying and stress, but to push those thoughts aside for .. silence… is not something I want to do. And since I refuse to turn my mind off, perhaps… I like thinking stressfully. I’m unable to stop because I think my mind enjoys having stress rather than nothing. A clear mind is just so boring. Maybe since my life is so stable, my mind creates these things like quarterlife crises just to have something to think about. I can imagine myself on an island in a favela, sun shining but I’m cool in the warm shade, waves crashing, partner by my side and a masseuse rubbing my back and being at the best time of my life and I would be able to worry if I let myself. I need to be constantly occupied: social media, watching a tv series (sidenote: Designated Survivor on Netflix- extremely underrrated, I’m obsessed), reading books, online shopping, listening to podcasts (sidenote no.2: currently listening to Black Hands which is a podcast about the Bain murders. I am convinced David Bain is guilty) and I enjoy being occupied and having lots of thoughts. Maybe I don’t like meditating because I don’t like having a calm mind, and my constant search of happiness and peace is not really possible when I love to think about my life constantly and also love being distracted by entertainment.

I just find it funny that the thought of clearing my mind absolutely sours me lol. I can think of nothing worse than being still and having a still mind. Props to you if you do meditate, since it’s crazy good for you. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if I cleared my mind for more than 30 minutes I’d fall asleep judging by the amount of yawning I do after a 10 minute one- and thats even with me replaying a youtube video in my head and listening to the teacher.

Maybe I’m not chill because my mind likes being extra. I’m not exactly stress free but I’m never ‘throw everything into the wind’ either. Or maybe I’m just extremely normal, and the only reason I feel so alone in this is because everyone keeps their thoughts to themselves, while I’ll happily spill it out to the internet. But not in person. Honey I only overshare to strangers not people I know, God forbid!

Well, until next time. Here is a pic of me with a Great Dane that I met at a work event I was looking after!

 

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