For years this question has haunted me, has been one of my deepest insecurities and is always on my mind: how do I get a boyfriend?
No, you are not reading a Creme magazine in 2008. Because for about 8 years, I have been as extremely, and for me, painfully, single.
My name is Esther and I am 29 years old. I own Tsrang Label, a NZ streetwear label I started in 2021 with the mission of promoting strength in vulnerability. I am Kiwi-Chinese.
Every year, month, day I wish I was in a relationship. I was actually broken into in December when I was living alone and through all the weeks I couldn’t help beating myself up about it – if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t be living alone. If I was in a relationship I probably could afford contents insurance, or even live in a better area. If I was in a relationship, I would feel much safer at night by not being alone. How do I fucking get a boyfriend?
I can’t find someone I’m interested in.
I honestly struggle with finding people I’m interested in, and they often are people who are unavailable – most of the time taken. And I know it’s a pattern and ‘me’ thing, and I’ve come to a point now where I don’t think I can solve it myself. I can’t get myself a boyfriend and I’ve been single for too long.
I think I must be doing something that’s causing me to be super single. I can also tell that I get extremely outgoing and more likely to fall in relations when I’m overseas or drunk – I must be letting something go. But I don’t know what.
I haven’t really talked about this to anyone before, because it is a insecurity of mine. I am doing something wrong. I must be unattractive. I must be not very interesting. I feel like it’s an ultimate failing within me to be struggling with this so badly.
Getting triggered
So yeah, the break-in was really a trigger for me to fix this because looking at my history, I’m going to be single forever if I am left to my own devices. It’s so weird because although I really want to be in a relationship, I am also constantly somehow avoiding any steps into being in one. And I just don’t want to be single forever. I do want someone to support and to be supported by, and I do want someone to have fun with. I’m ok with doing stuff on my own, but it sucks to constantly have to be the only one who will look out for you.
After the break-in, I think I went through a little depression spell. Nothing was making me happy. Even things that normally made me happy, like hanging out with my friends and eating, would make me zone out in the middle and make me upset afterwards. I loved living alone but also hated it at the same time. I felt like I was constantly in the same situation in having no one to really confide in, travel with, and see a future with. I know I can do this by myself. But the kicker is I don’t want to.
Why am I single?
I feel like my first step needs to be finding out why I’m super single. What am I doing that I don’t realise that I’m pushing boys away? Why am I actually really uncomfortable at the thought of opening up, and going on dates and putting myself out there (insert vomit emoji)? The thought of matchmaking, blind dates and people talking about my love life make me feel nauseous. Why am I so intimidated by guys I find hot? Why do I find taken guys so safe?
I have decided to go to therapy to address this, because I feel like this is probably linked to my childhood, as all things are. I thought it would be interesting to document this journey, because for some people getting into a relationship is as easy as breathing, but for me this is literally the hardest thing in my life. I know, boohoo, I can’t get a boyfriend. But I mean it in a way that I believe that I can overcome anything. Right now, I feel like I can’t overcome this. I admit that I can’t do this on my own, and I think I need help. I need to understand why I don’t have a boyfriend.
So follow on my journey as I learn how to get a boyfriend and to see if it actually works – I will be regularly updating this so feel free to leave your email address on the panel next to this post to know when I’ve done it instead of checking the blog to see how it’s going!
Wish me luck. I’m scared shitless.
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