Fingerprints on my laptop

Something I’m quite ashamed about is how I gravitate toward Taylor Swift songs. I can’t even admit that I like them, because I don’t really like her person. I just don’t find her very genuine, especially after that Kanye Kim phone call debacle. But this isn’t about Taytay. This is about me me me me this is my blog haha. But damn does she write a good lovesick song.

Teardrops on my Guitar came on shuffle through Bluetooth, while I was driving alone with the volume up. I had just finished working but had time to rush home on the train and change. The train had actually even stopped on the track for 20 minutes because of a medical emergency and I had been frantic to get home to make my way to dinner and dessert with one of my best friends. The day was dimming and the streetlights were just flickering on and I was glad that the after-work traffic was pretty much gone.

I haven’t heard the song in years but I got this vivid flashback of me selecting it on my cheap mp3, back when we had to Youtube to MP3 all the songs individually and dump it into this little ipod skinny ripoff, while walking home from school. I used to listen to it while walking home from school in the bright daylight, and I could myself in my mind listening to the song on repeat as I crossed the road to my childhood home and thinking that the lyrics were so, so relevant to what I was feeling.

I have two questions:

  1. Who the fuck was my overdramatic ass thinking about??
  2. I haven’t felt that feeling about someone in ages??

When she sings ‘I can’t even see, anyone when he’s with me’ I couldn’t help laughing because 16 year old me was like yaaasss my tortured heart being stretched over the fire, I want him so bad. And 26 year old me is like WHO tf was I pining over?? Literally no one I can remember was worth that amount of feeling. And it made me a really wistful because like, I actually miss that feeling of where I thought I felt so, so much.

I don’t really talk about how I feel about my love life a lot to my friends, mostly because I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Yes, I’d like a boyfriend or a fwb, or anything. But at the same time I have all these other standards: I want them to be funny, to smell nice, not be selfish, be interesting, find me interesting and to be hot. But I’m not actually meeting any single boys to put this standard on. Most of the guys I encounter are taken, whether I meet them at work, parties or overseas. If I’ve found them through a dating app, they don’t meet half of the criteria.

Not that this means I’ve met zero guys in the last few years, but I’ve never really felt anything for them. The last time I felt INTENSE about someone I was still studying. And while this means I have zero sleepless nights (the only creature keeping me up at night in bed is my honey kitty Booboo, who I definitely DON’T call honey when she’s in the middle of my bed refusing to leave and scratching on my door when I kick her out), no repetitive rants to my girlfriends (where they have to nod and say ‘men aint shit’ every 10 minutes to show they’re listening) and no phone throwing seeing the man of my attention giving his attention to someone else, it means that I haven’t felt in love in a very long time.

I say in love when I really mean the beginning of infatuation or the honeymoon period, but you know what I mean.

That feeling where nothing is more important than spending time with them or for them. When simple sentences in a blue bubble or little smiles mean more than the sludge that you’re walking through, and every pop song seems to have been written for your specific situation. When you’re watching TV shows, going to places and meeting people you wouldn’t normally be interested in but you feel like it’s worth it because you’re getting to know your person, and you’re sharing your special things and gauging their reaction. I’ll watch the One Piece movie for you and you watched Titanic for me.

I’m not sure if this type of ‘love’ is what happens when you’re young and naive. I feel like I haven’t been in love enough to be jaded, although I have seen in myself the growth from ‘I’ll be whatever you think is desirable’ to ‘take me as I am’.  I’ve never been in a long term serious relationship to be burnt from feeling like you’ve met the love of your life so I’m 300% ready to jump headfirst into the fire. But at the moment, I can’t even find a spark.

Even when it sucks, I sort of miss the pain because it’s really bittersweet. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and I feel like all I’ve done is watch other people’s relationships for the majority of my life. I want a slice of that life, but it’s the only thing I can’t do on my own. One of my favourite quotes when I was an overdramatic 16 year old was ‘I can go through all suffering as long as it has meaning’. WHAT SUFFERING, 16 YEAR OLD ESTHER lololol.

I don’t have any reasons for teardrops on my guitar. Just fingerprints on my laptop. But it’s still the song in the car I keep singing, don’t know why I do.

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