Thoughts I Should Keep To Myself

Yes I am getting better at dating, by actually doing it.

But god, it’s so confusing. I realise I have no idea what I’m looking for. Like yes, I want a guy who respects me, is a good fit and that I have chemistry with; but how do I judge that from first dates?

I can’t help my mind spiralling – I can see our similarities and differences. Are these potential disagreements? We’re both not making any jokes which means I’m not laughing which means I can’t tell their sense of humour. Is there a vibe? I don’t know.

I don’t know if I’m just romanticising it all but am I *supposed* to vibe with them and have a lot to talk about on the first date? Am I supposed to feel a certain way to know if its right or not?

I was thinking about it as I was wiping off my makeup from my last date in the mirror, that I’ve never had a friends to lovers arc. All the boys I’ve liked before, I felt like they were special the moment I saw them, and then by seeing how they act over a few days it then makes me go all in. 

There have been cases where I’ve denied they were special when I first saw them, but then by day 2 I’ve realised that de nile is a river in Egypt. It’s like I subconsciously pick them as special before my mind catches up – it’s never the other way around, where I started off thinking of them as a friend and then see them in a different light.

 I feel that they are special and my mind takes about 24-48 hours to agree. If there’s alcohol involved, it takes even shorter for my mind to catch up: for the boys I’m interested in, I’ve never thought of them as ‘just a friend.’

But so many relationships start out that way that I’m like… was that wrong? It’s not normal that every relationship starts out the same. But am I supposed to feel that they are special from the start?

On the other hand, I never ever thought I was a ‘love at first sight’ girl. But actually I think I am?? If the moment I see someone I feel like he’s special and I can’t take my eyes off him and then about a 2 hours to a day later I’m in love then??????

Basically me, which I’ve always said and now realise it goes deeper: