I am currently on a ferry from Athens to Ios as I’m on a great European adventure for 6 weeks and I’ve been travelling about 2 and a half weeks, so nearly halfway! We had a call time to breakfast of 5:25am, like literally crack of dawn.
As I’m sitting here watching the bright blue waters, the tan mountains and sun steaming down I can’t help but feel like the sun is mocking me.
I’m sick at the moment- I’ve got a massive cold and annoying cough, my wisdom teeth hurt, I got sunburnt badly on my shoulders, my iPhone is constantly freezing and shutting down that I bought a new one and I’m generally quiet because I’m not getting the amount of sleep I used to, plus when I talk I cough and my throat hurts either from the cold or the wisdom teeth, not really sure. I feel like everyone else is so excited- they see the sun and it energises them. They’re so excited to be on a yacht drinking in the scenes straight out of Mamma Mia while I see the sun and it makes me even more bitter.
It’s mocking me about how different my mod is compared to the rest of my group- they’re all so happy while I’m so subdued and making me feel so left out and different. It shines down letting me know that I should want it, that I should be so happy to see it, when I would be so happy to draw the curtains and bury myself in bed. It represents the personalities of the people I’m with- all so vibrant, funny and happy and here I am sitting in the corner in a hoodie and a jacket over my lap like fucking Bran the Broken because the air conditioning is right above my head and blowing cold air on me. Everyone at home told me that it would be easy for me to make friends on the contiki because of my personality. But I’ve realised that for me to be that happy and bubbly personality that my friends and family see it’s because I’m so comfortable. They’ve all had time for me to get to know them. I’ve never done well in networking and large house parties where I don’t know anyone- and this is like a large floating house party where everyone is circulating in the solar system and I’m just a moon in my own orbit.
I have made a few friends though, and I’m really grateful because I hate being alone and they’re really nice.
The sun has always made me feel like it’s mocking me.
When it streams down in a weekend, it sets the expectation that I probably should be doing something better with my life and that I’m wasting a weekend. That I should be at a beach and having fun instead of what I’m doing, which is normally shopping or watching Netflix. Even when I am doing what I suppose I should be doing in good weather, it mocks me with what I see.
The sun, the sea, flowers blooming, fruit ripening, brightness, warmth and therefore perfect weather for couples to come out. For the sun to remind me of what I don’t have- someone to love that I can share the good times with. The more fun I’m having, the better experience I’m living, the thought that it would be so much better to share it with someone or that it would’ve made such a good memory with someone always crosses my mind. I’m going to Santorini in a few days, and that’s a prime honeymoon spot. It would’ve been great if I could’ve experienced Santorini for the first time with someone. Being in love is like being in the sun- joyful, fun, life, happiness- and I haven’t been in love for years.
Honestly, I’ve knocked out a major point on my checklist already for the trip and I don’t think I’m going to be falling in love with anyone on the trip soon (and no one is exactly falling in love with me). I’m loving the sights and sounds of Europe, and I’m glad I did it. I didn’t come here to find a boy. I didn’t come here to “find” myself. Coming to Europe was something I knew I was going to do with my life. It was as sure as going to university, going on exchange to America and moving out. It wasn’t a matter of if, but a when. I’m so controlled in all the departments of my life except one.
I feel like this blogpost is very sad but I guess I am at the moment. Dark nights I can do. Nights are easy. Rainy days are fine; anything I do on a rainy day is automatically productive. Oh, but the sun- proud in its happiness, in its love and good times- I can never measure up. I don’t know how to obtain it, I don’t know how to achieve it, I don’t know how to embody it. I am noones sunny day when I can’t muster the strength to be my own. Oh shit, this is where that “if you can’t love yourself how are you going to love anyone else” comes in, but I feel like I do. Maybe I’m the clouds to a boy who’s like the sun so our day is bright but not glaring. Maybe I’m the grey to a boy who doesn’t like the heat and burn. Or maybe I just need someone to be the clear sky to give me the space to shine.
The sun is definitely mocking me, because it holds my day dreams of my life and who I want to be and rubs my face in it.
The sunnier the day, the harder it exposes my inner insecurities myself that I cannot unsee. And I’m currently feeling like I’m the only person in the person in the world who gets a sense of relief at sunset.