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My flatmate has been on a long holiday this month, and my other flatmate works long hours and has a girlfriend to spend time with, which means I have been myself in a sort of empty house. I say sort of because I still have Booboo, my little goddaughter who makes sure that her presence is known all the time:

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And guess what?

I love being by myself!

It’s so much fun!!

Having a crisis was a weekly thing when I lived with my parents- I constantly felt lonely, caged in and that everyone was living a better life than me.

Now that I am living out of home, I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be. As sad as it sounds, I think my parents played a big part in my crises. They are stereotypical Asian parents- constantly asking where you are/how much you spent on this/you don’t need to go to that/how much money are you wasting/you don’t need to eat that/get some exercise. I thought I was immune to those comments since I’ve grown up with them, but I didn’t realise how much of an impact it made on my mood and how much I couldn’t stand their nitpicking. It makes me question how I actually put up with it, and why I didn’t move out sooner.

My parents also love to argue (or at least my father does) so that also contributed to the atmosphere at home.

Now that I am by myself, I feel carefree and in a calm, happiness bubble. I can do and eat what I want, when I want and being alone is great. I can walk around in various states of undress (my bedroom faces the road and path and we’re not giving out free shows) and take a shower with the bathroom door open. I can sing and talk to the cat loudly.

I always thought I couldn’t stand being by myself, and that I needed at least 1 person to keep me company. When 19 year old me first lived by myself in the States I was constantly going into loneliness spirals but 6 years later 25 year old me would be jumping for joy … is this because I’m now an adult? Have I grown as a person??

When I was 19 I went to the States on exchange. Because I was living in an American dorm and not the one where the rest of the international students stayed, I was on my own for a week before the domestic students moved in. I spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself.

I could attribute this to culture shock and unfamilar place, but even when I became familiar with the campus and town, I still stayed in my room feeling sorry for myself when my friends visited their parents during the weekends. I couldn’t imagine doing things by myself- I didn’t even have the thought of going to the lake and icecream shop, or go grocery shopping without someone else with me.  I wish I did because I was eternally struggling with buying too much when I did go and having to carry all these heavy shopping bags on the bus when I could’ve been going more often and not needing to carry as much.

If I ended up in the same situation now, it would be so different. I would explore the town and lake, sit in the on campus Starbucks or chill in the many green areas of Oswego instead of wallowing in bed licking Cheeto dust off my fingers.  All that wasted time! But I guess it’s taken me 6 years to build up this confidence. However my terrible sense of direction didn’t help my 19 year old self- I didn’t know how to walk back from the main hall to my dorm room for the first week (thank you Nanami for also choosing to stay in an American dorm and steering me the right way!! Love you and miss you 🙁 ) and even though I spent 5 months there and my friend drove us to Walmart probably fortnightly, I still didn’t know the route (miss you love you Nikita!!).

I am fine being on my own. I like being on my own! I actually enjoy being in my company! Does this mean I’ve started to love myself? Is this why I’m in better moods lately?

For once in my life I’m not having a quarterlife crisis. I’m having a quarter life epiphany! I never thought that moving out would actually be a form of self care.

 

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