Guys, I can’t sugarcoat this. I think I am heading into a quarter life crisis. I’m spiralling, I know it.
Ever since my last post where I was positively gloating about achieving all the goals I set, I came to the realization that I should probably think about what I want to do in the next 5 years and that I am turning 25 soon, and it has not been good. Because every time I think about what I want to do next, it’s a big fat I DON’T KNOW.
I have several problems bugging me. First is the idea of moving away from Auckland to another country (I would NEVER move to a smaller town than Auckland…) because I have no clue what is left for me in this city. NZ is made up of 70% small businesses. Plus I wouldn’t be paid any better anywhere else in NZ considering that Auckland is the biggest city in NZ. I don’t want to get too in depth with career talk as I am in no position to talk about it freely but it’s been bugging me. I don’t really have a “passion” or a direction I want to take with my career. I don’t want to go up, I don’t want to go down and I don’t want to remain the same. So what am I supposed to do? I can’t figure out what I want. I can’t even do like a goal setting thing or those life coach programmes since I already did one session and we all know what it’s about: they can’t tell me what to do. I’m supposed to figure what I want on my own. But I can’t??? Also, I have this thing where I hate people telling me what to do, much like everyone else in the world. I hate it when people give me advice when I don’t ask for it, or volunteer to tell me how my life should be going. Some advice to constant advice givers: when you give advice to someone who hasn’t explicitly asked for it, i.e. me, it instantly puts me on the defensive. And to put it bluntly, I don’t like advice on my life. I’m always biting my tongue when people give me advice. When they ask me ‘why don’t you do this….?” All I want to say is ‘because I don’t want that.” I don’t need help with finding out what I don’t want. I don’t want a lot of things. But I am having such a hard time figuring out what I do. I’ve been struggling with it ever since I left high school.
I also cannot seem to find a boyfriend, or even an adult cuddle buddy here (TMI?). Is there something wrong with me? Are my standards too high? I don’t even necessary need someone I can hold a conversation with, as long as they can hold me down and you know what? I’m not finishing this sentence but you get the idea. I constantly feel like I’m missing out, and life is so much more easier when you are not alone. But I just don’t know how to find someone that I’m happy with. Like, how does that happen? Where am I supposed to meet them?? Everyone, including me, believes that it ‘happens when you’re not looking for it’. Buuuttt how do I ‘not look for it’? Because not only am I putting the pressure on myself, it’s on everyone else’s minds too. You read the escapades of my mother, and when I was living with her every time I go out she thought it was on a date which could not be further from the truth and gets my blood boiling at the thought. It honestly makes me sick that my mother thinks she can meddle in my love life but I’ve already had one rage on my blog, I don’t think you want to read another one. Honestly, that is one battle that I am always itching to have. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so angry at my mother before, and I am always ready to have a major screaming, door slamming and bridge burning argument whenever I think about it and my parents are fully aware so they never want to talk about it lol.
I also scratched my car and cracked the mudflap (?) of it as well in the last two weeks, went to Queenstown for work which was beautiful, and just all these other little problems and annoyances which is making me feel like everything is just so annoyingly wrong and nothing in my life is actually fulfilling. Like nothing is actually going wrong. I have a good job, a nice flat and great friends but in my mind I’m convinced I’m starting to unravel because my life is going on and I don’t know what I want to do with it.
I think I have a lot of pent up frustration that I have so many unanswered questions that I cannot find solutions for. And I feel like I am going in circles because no one else can find the answer for me, all of my problems lead back to how I don’t know what I want.
God. I know this is the question of nearly every 20 something millennial, but when will I be able to get my shit together?