So I have finished Hillary Clinton’s ‘What Happened’ audiobook and have moved on to ‘The Happiness Project’’ by Gretchen Rubens who has a nice voice. She sounds like Kat Von D to me- punky, perhaps a smoker- but I saw a picture of her and listening to her legal background, she actually reminds of Miranda from Sex and the City. The book is about finding happiness, and her goals to achieve them are oh so irrelevant to me. She listed them and the last one was ‘everything is love’ and I literally went ‘bleurgh’ out loud in my car.
I can totally see why 30-40 year old women love self help books: this book was not written for me. I do not relate to, need or want marriage advice. I don’t find tasks like creating a blog, or organising a thoughtful party for a mother in law stressful. I never feel guilty by thinking that I’m a bad mother at all- I don’t even have a single clue on what that would feel like, as I don’t even have a pet to project on to.
But it did get me thinking- what would make me happier? What did I want?
I really want to travel, and travel more of NZ.
Like my accountant told me (he’s not really ‘my’ accountant. I just needed help because I didn’t know how to file my tax return and he’s very nice), there is no good time. Life doesn’t work around plans. It’s not going to give you what you want when you want, you have to do it. And I do believe that. All the things I’ve wanted and gotten have taken a lot of pushing from my end.
I have spent a lot of my time justifying why I couldn’t ‘start’ on this goal. I have the free time. I can afford it. But I didn’t want to do it by myself. I’ll do it when my friend comes back. I’ll do it when I get a boyfriend. I’ll wait for a friend to organise it and they invite me. Surely I’m not the only one with this goal?
But it’s starting to feel like, it is. I guess I am the only one that I know that wants to actively travel NZ more. But that means…. Doing it by myself…
No no no no no!
There are some things I am fine with doing by myself. I LOVE shopping by myself. I don’t need to feel guilty for trying on clothes and making the other person wait and take as long or as short as I want. I love running errands and going to doctors and dentists by myself, going to the gym by myself. I haven’t tried going to what I deem a “fancy” restaurant by myself but I’ve sat in cafes and fast food chains by myself. I have not gone to a movie by myself, simply because although I enjoy movies, I have never really been dying to see one.I have this mental block toward travelling by myself. I have done it before, and also when I do travel and don’t have fun, I am constantly grumbling in my mind about how I could’ve enjoyed myself way more if I did it by myself.
But what if I have to, if I want to achieve my goal, which I know will make me happy?
Am I better to do it on my own?
(Sidenote: they say, I’m a liability… you’re a little much for me… get you wild make you leave.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtvJaNeELic )
I don’t want to. But it’ll make me happy. Is that a contradiction? It makes me unhappy to do it, but I know I will ultimately fulfil a part of myself and make me happy?
And how long am I going to sit on this and not take action?
It’s bizarre how I am asking myself these questions, when it’s like… I can literally make a decision, I know what I want and yet I don’t want to do it and frustrated at my own hesitation. Am I having an existential crisis? Am I dissociating right now lol.
I really hope I don’t read this in 2 years time and am disappointed in myself for still having gone nowhere both metaphorically and literally.