I am quite angry.
I haven’t been this angry, and this type of angry for a long time.
Not the reactive, explosive kind of angry, but the calm ‘don’t you dare, do this again and I’m done’ kind of angry. Like a very unemotional, pure, cold anger. Because my Mother dearest just met with a fucking Chinese MATCHMAKER to try find me a boyfriend. And god, am I pissed. I have never been so pissed. Although I know I am furious, there are so many reasons for why that I feel like I have to write it down. I ended up arguing with her all night last night, and just now had a massive yell that I think scared her and I don’t even give a fuck. In fact, I’m very glad.
One of the biggest reasons for why I am so angry is because it’s shown me that my mother does not respect me at all as a person or a woman. I feel like I was talked about like a new car – “do you want to see my daughter? She’s 24 years old and near new” and totally objectified. I am not a thing to be discussed and passed around closed doors and she can get eff you see kayed if she thinks that I would willingly let people do that and submissively let these old Chinese grandmas, including her, sacrifice my time and energy or even entertain the thought that I would let myself be treated that way. I honestly felt like I was being treated like a peasant girl from the Chinese countryside going on the marriage market.
There is no fucking way I would ever, EVER be set up by my mother or the old women she decides to fucking socialise with. I HATE the fact that they decide for me, or speak for me, when I don’t even know it’s happening. I am my own person, and I will not tolerate being controlled, expected to go along with idiotic antiquated schemes and I will fucking let you know it. What makes me even madder is that when I asked my mother who the lady was after she left, she said “I’ll tell you later”. It wasn’t until my brother piped up that it was about marriage and etc that I fucking lost the plot. Like, don’t lie to me! I am more than capable of handling the truth, I don’t need you to take care of ANYTHING for me, and I am FURIOUS that she wanted to keep me ignorant and dumb and secretly advertise me in the Chinese can’t-get-a-date/need-a-visa/fresh-off-the-boat circles. This isn’t find me a millionaire. This is find me any breathing Chinese man who will marry me. That was really the tipping point, that I wouldn’t have even known until my younger brother decided to shed some truth.
Obviously, I kept saying no.
No no no no.
Over my dead body.
I am not being set up, because what self respecting boy or man under 30, or even over 30, would listen to an old Chinese grandma matchmaker?? I hope they have more respect for themselves that they would rather tinder than get set up by grandmas. And so that is also why I am so angry, because I have more respect for myself, but my mother is shooting off her mouth like I am on clearance. I am really offended that she will happily set me up with any random boy that she doesn’t even know the name of like I’m a fucking toy, like I have no standards, or that she doesn’t even care about how /acceptable/ this boy is, her daughter is going to turn 25 and she’s not married. Thanks so much for fucking caring! If I wanted to settle, I would’ve and I still can without the help of Mummy. But that’s not even the point. Even if he was a hot billionaire, I do NOT allow anyone to speak for me, especially for something that I am so against.
I don’t even care that she doesn’t know what I want, because honestly she knows noooothhingg about me. But I am so stuck on the fact that she, my own bloody mother, treated me like an object and expected me to go along with it. Being set up by my PARENTS is honestly my worst nightmare. I was getting ready to cuss her out, because I know part of the reason she is doing this is to save face (and also her backward country view that 24 is old) and she wants me to ultimately make our family look good. I’ve gotten the school accolades, gotten a good job, now I need to have a husband and a wedding then kids. Like haha, no. No no no. My life is not dedicated to making you look good in front of irrelevant Chinese grandmas. I’ve given you enough face.
The fact that my Dad had to get involved and be like “Esther said no! How many times does she have to say no!” and telling me that my father holds more respect for me than her and also thinks that I should be treated better than this than another female, much less my mother, disgusts me. I may or may not have threatened to move out, because that would literally be the last straw. Luckily for me, I have controlling parents who don’t want me to move out until I’m married as they think I’m their responsibility until I do so, and don’t want to cause a family scandal so the threat works. Being set up in hopes of marriage at the age of 24 like my life, my happiness and my choices is something that she has the right to sacrifice is the most disrespectful bullshit I’ve ever come across.
She kept telling “give it a chaaance to meet someone new, give it a chance” like fuck no I’m not giving it a chance? Its so fucking crystal to anyone that we’re not doing this in hopes of finding me a new best friend, don’t fucking delude yourself or think that I would fall for that reasoning. Honestly, there has to be something wrong for a boy my age to go along with this stuff, and I not here to give him a minute of my time and I hope that whoever I’m /meant/ to be with wouldn’t give a minute with a girl who would willingly be arrange marriaged either.
I think that’s another thing that makes me really angry. That she thought I was a)dumb enough to fool b) dumb enough to go along with this c)dumb enough to let her carry on d)plain old DUMB.
I know you shouldn’t be talk like this about your parent. But it’s not like my mother and I are friends. I never tell her about my life as she is very Christian and conservative, and I don’t have enough time to be lectured or judged. I have things that I resent her for, but generally I respect her and would never say bad things about her. But its getting really hard for me to contain my anger about this.
I have worked so hard to be more confident, to be taken seriously and to be treated with dignity and for my own parent to undermine that like we’re still living in a third world country with a daughter to feed makes my blood boil. She was on my back for yeearrsss in high school and university about not getting a boyfriend. Couldn’t get a boyfriend. Couldn’t go out in case I was meeting boys. No boys ever ever ever. And now that I’ve turned 24 she’s done a 180. Like, can you not try control my life? And can you not think that I would even let you, for a second, do that? Maybe have a think about how since you were so against me getting a boyfriend during school, prime boy meeting areas, that this is such a contradiction?
I actually think I would rather she accidentally pushed me down the stairs than do this. She thinks she’s right and I think I’m right. But I don’t care about her motives because I’m the one who suffers from this stupidity.
Friends, I am Not Pleased. I am entirely Displeased.
I never thought my hardest battle to fight gender inequality would be at home.