For the first time this year, I put in all my ear piercings.
This makes me sound like I have heaps of ear piercings, when I only have 2 in each ear haha. I normally don’t put them all in, but I was going to a work dinner and I was wondering why I didn’t do this more often.
I hopped into the taxi, preoccupied with how I was wasting good lighting. Every angle in the taxi had the seatbelt on me, and the driver had all the windows partially down causing my hair to fly around. So I gave up trying to take a fire selfie and started thinking instead.
What if I have a shit time? What if I have to make small talk the entire time? What if noone talks to me? What if they think I’m random? Or annoying? What if they think I don’t look good?
Like these are my workmates. I see them nearly everyday. And yet I was slightly terrified of meeting them outside of work hours. And it’s a small team, maybe like 10-13 of us? And yet I was double guessing and starting to dread arriving at the restaurant. Not to mention I was starting to feel iffy about the taxi driver. Not that he did anything wrong, but my mind was spiralling. I always see my friends tweeting about how they talk to their ubers or finding out random things about them/what they say. And I just did not want to talk to my taxi driver at all. In my mind I was like “nope. I hate small talk. I am not interested in his life, and I am not going to pretend that I am.”
What if he’s judging me? What if he thinks I’m being rude? Why can’t I make good small talk? What if he thinks I’m weird and moody? Am I weird? Why are all his windows partially open we’re going down the motorway, would he be feel offended if I rolled one up?
I don’t know if it is because at this time of writing I’m really fucking hungry and haven’t eaten anything literally all day, but I feel nauseous just thinking of this. I felt like I was being weird. Not in the “I feel weird = not well” kind of way, but in the way kids talk about things they don’t like, in the “that’s weird = you’re a freak” way. Why am I so anxious about this? Why was I starting to feel depressed because it feels like all my conversations lately have been small talk, and I fucking hate small talk?
Throughout this half an hour taxi ride, I kept twisting and twisting my earrings, and my ears were starting to hurt. And it’s sort of weird how certain actions remind you of events. By the time I realised what I was doing, the next thing I expected was blood on my fingers- and I finally remembered why I hadn’t put in all my earrings for the whole year.
It’s because when I get hella nervous or anxious, I keep twisting my earrings. And the last time it happened I did it so much my piercings started to bleed. And I think it probably looks really obvious that I am nervous when I am pedantically playing with my earrings when people talk to me. I don’t even remember what happened the last time that made me so anxious, but I had honestly forgotten my own nervous habit.
Noone has ever called me out on it, but I annoy myself with my earring fiddling. I want to be like “stop touching your earrings! Stop playing with them!” but to fix that I need to say to myself “stop being an anxious mess!!” And of course that makes me even more anxious, like “why am I this way? Why is this so bad?”
And you know what? The dinner was fine. I had fun. I was not as socially awkward as I thought I was going to be. Noone ignored me, and I managed to squeeze a deep and random conversation with my coworker when we shared a taxi back.
But in the same vein, whenever I think an event’s going to be fun, that I’m going to be in my element, I’m usually not. It’s like when I panic = it turns out great, when I am excited = turns out shit. I don’t really have a purpose for this blog post, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. It’s as if putting in my earrings makes me physically act out my vulnerability and I get even more nervous, because I typically keep things bottled up inside.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I notice in my entries that I tend to repeat myself a lot. Hopefully this reads differently to what I normally write. I’m restraining myself from writing a lot of things, because if you have reading me for a whole you’ll be like “girl, again??”
So yeah. I still have all my peircings in and every time I noticed myself doing it, I tried to stop. I never thought I would have an adult equivalent of sucking my thumb, I never grew up with earrings, I don’t have any nervous tics like biting my nails. It’s so bizarre because the more I twist my earrings the more I remember times I did it in the past- it’s like an anxiety flashback where I remember the feeling and what I did to my earring (e.g. feels like my earring is sinking in, feels like my ear is going to fall off etc etc) but not what actually caused the anxiety in the first place. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do, but I think they look nice so i’ll keep my earrings in until I can’t take it anymore.