Another week, another round of things I can face in life and things I can’t!
- I did nothing all weekend and I feel absolutely great about it.
- I think I am losing weight. Go me in the gym! I go on the elliptical for about 40-45 minutes and watch The Simpsons and Million Dollar Listing LA. I am obsessed with Million Dollar Listing. I find watching ambitious people fighting over money and work very entertaining. I just love how very transparent they are that their main motivation is money, and how they are always chasing their commission. I believe I am a terrible negotiator as I hate calling bluffs and am indecisive and self doubty as fuck, so them negotiating sales of millions of dollars is amazing to me. And also, I love a hard working man or woman who is direct and not afraid to ask for what they want. I love a person who is good at their job. I would say I aspire to be someone who knows their shit and is amazing at what they do, but I don’t know whether I can ever be at that level and if I would ever be confident enough to admit that. Also I have a sneaking suspicion that once a bun starts baking in the oven, that my *career* will be joining whatever I’m throwing up down the toilet during morning sickness.
- I cleaned my room up. I’m going to try putting things back where they belong. It was prompted by me purchasing this trinket plate thing by the_cats_cradle who is super nice!
- Submitted my tax form. Now I have confessed to the IRD that I owe them $500 which is ridiculous, and it’s taken me like 3 weeks to complete this. I’m such a good girl, why don’t I get a reward for this?? I stress so hard about doing the right thing and paying my taxes. I think I deserve the Good Girl Trophy.
I’ve been such a good girl my entire life and I have listened to my teachers, parents and bosses so well. I think it’s such a scam that it’s those who don’t listen and do risky things and get in trouble are also likely to be ones who succeed and make lots of money. Excuse me, why is my reward a mediocre and average life?? I break my back to make other people happy and it will probably mean I will amount to nothing wtf. I know the logical response is like ‘then don’t make them happy and make yourself happy’ but like, I also survive on praise and the happiness of others. I probably would have a nervous breakdown if I think I am not doing a good job/being a disappointment. Which has been the cause of my depressive spirals in the past haha.
- I’ve realised that I don’t like cooking. I don’t find it therapeutic. It makes me stressed, angry and makes me feel like I’ve wasted my time. I get stressed because even if the recipe is like ‘this will only take 20 mins to make!’ it doesn’t account for prep time, or how slow I am at prepping. It’ll take me an hour and a half to wash, chop and then cook things a pasta dish. And then because I live with my family, ingredients aren’t all what they seem. I might have had lots of eggs, but then the next day when it is time to cook the next day my family have used up them apart from 2 and then recipe calls for 4 and I’ve already made like half the dish. And that’s when I get angry. My mum ALWAYS wants to substitute things and thinks it will work. No butter or cream? Just use milk. No crushed tomatoes? Just use tomato sauce (gross). So when situations like this arises, she offers substitutions that just make me angrier. And then after all this fuss, my end dish is not that great and I just wasted nearly 2 hours/my whole night over this untasty creation when McDonalds is in the same building of my work and I would spend a grand total of maybe 15 mins to pay and receive my much tastier food T.T My lack of enthusiasm toward cooking has been a great disappointment for me and the only thing I enjoy cooking is my shin ramen (Korean spicy instant noodles yum yum).