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I want my life to follow a certain path. I’ve always planned and tried to work it to a way that I thought it would go the way I wanted it to. By the age of 20, I thought it was coming true. I had no regrets at this stage, I had done all that I had planned to do, and everything that I wanted was mine.  All the things and people that I wanted so much, I had. I had never had rejection up to this point in my life- all the scholarships I applied for, the academic rewards I wanted. I worked my ass off in school, and I thought I understood what it meant that if I worked hard enough, I would get what I wanted because I had at that point. Got that boy every one was jealous of, the experience everyone wanted and was skipping around debt free. I did not know the meaning of the words ‘regret’ or ‘dread’.

Do you think I sound like I’m boasting? Because don’t. It sort of fell to shit afterwards.

I started to slip in university. Previously, public speaking was a strength. Then it turned into ‘that poor girl that froze in the middle of her speech’. I’ve been unhappily unemployed, and then unhappily employed. I’ve had times where I’ve felt like I was meeting heaps of new people, and then most of my time I feel like I don’t have many friends and am a bad one myself. I’ve had moments where I’ve legitimately doubted my mental health. And now two years after 20, I feel terrible. I was so, so happy at 20. I could probably pinpoint the exact date it all seemed to go downhill, but I don’t really want to know and have a ‘sad-day anniversary’. I used to be cute and charming and now I’m just ugly and awkward.

I know people who are older than me will read this and be like ’22?? That’s so young! 20 and not that different. You can’t have changed that much lol”. So if I haven’t changed that much, why couldn’t I keep a good thing going?

I don’t know how to get what I want anymore. But when I think about it I guess it isn’t true. I am actually sort of exactly where June 2015 Esther thought would be make me happy. But now, the motto that seems to be trying to prove it’s point to me in the last two years is “the grass is always greener on the other side”.

Because it’s never greener. No matter what I do, I always get proven that I’ve made a terrible decision, and that what I’ve wanted has made me viciously unhappy. I don’t know how to get what I want anymore, when the things I want always make me wish I didn’t get it when I realise the full extent of what I’ve spent so hard wishing I had. My judgement is terrible, because I can’t make my goal of ‘being happy’ be a real thing.

I spent 22 years on this Earth, and all this time, I don’t know what the f will make me happy.

Do I want to work? Do I want to study? Do I want to travel? How can I be happy?? Am I supposed to spend the rest of life wondering about this?? Isn’t this what movies like Eat Pray Love are about because ‘adults’ never can find what makes them happy?? I might be where 2015 Esther thought would make me happy, but it’s miles away from what 2014, 2013, 2012 Esther wanted.

I never wanted to be able to say shit like “my soul is deeply, deeply unhappy”. I am just constantly waiting for an opportunity, or a person that I think will magically make me happier because I can’t make up my mind myself and I don’t think I’ll make the right decision. I don’t want to fail again. I know it’s necessary or whatever in life, but my failures at making myself happy and the results tend to have me fantasising about catching a weird curable disease, or pulling out into heavy traffic and seeing what happens (I already sort of did this, re: doubting my mental health stability. Story for another time).

I feel like this post had no point, just like my life right now. I am just really unhappy. My friends know. You know. Everyone knows. I feel like everyone’s sick of it too. I’ve been talking about being unhappy since forever. That’s why I tried The Secret, like all my posts before. It did make me feel very optimistic and happy, but I’m finding it really hard to stick to it when I feel so, so bad. The positive thoughts make my brain feel like I’m lying to myself, or ignoring the problem, and ring so false that I feel like I’m having a mind cringe.

What (still) makes me happy in life currently .

1. My car and getting my license.
2. My helpful family (in the middle of writing this my brother walked in and told me I was wasting my life away for not trying a self defense class. Very appropriate I think lol)
3. My nice comfy bed.
4. I won’t have my period for a while (TMI?)
5. My beautiful bag.
6. My hair growing longer.
7. Coconut water.
8.Baekhyun. I wish I was as happy as you bb (Korean pop singer, please ignore this point (also he takes anxiety pills so we might be at the same place of ‘happiness’))

9. Suits because Harvey Specter.
10. The Great Gatsby that I watched last night / the internet.

Things that I think will make me happy

1. Um
2. I don’t know
3. Maybe a house whenever the economy crashes again
4. A partner who is sooooo in love with me and who I think is pretty hot too
5. Trip around the world
6. My wedding
7. Being famous
8. Owning a cat
9. Lots of money
10. Being attractive

Hmmm. None of them seem realistic at all to me. So maybe, realistically, I can’t be happy for a long, long time. Half of those might never come true.

I don’t know if I can last that long to see if it it does. I’m scared I’m going to be unhappy until the day I die.

Morbid thoughts! But I can’t keep it all to myself. I need to let it out somewhere. And this just so happens to be it. I just hope this doesn’t come bite me in the ass and make me reeeaaallllyyy sure I understand what regret means. Dear Universe, please do not kick my ass right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for all that I have, and had. Give me love, give me comfort and give me a break.

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