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It’s me…

I know I said that I had a post that I was working on for three days like three weeks ago…

I have decided to can it. It was about how I thought I was growing up, but writing it felt so, so wrong. I realise now that it’s because it was wrong. I’m not grown up. I’m the opposite. I’m still a kid. As my friends grow up and get married and have quarter life crises, I’m also realising that I’m having one of my own.

I have matured a lot since I started this blog. I had never had a boyfriend, never had a job, never lived on my own and had never truly failed. I was sheltered as sheltered could be. I didn’t have chores apart from folding clothes, and the adults in my life were all full of praises and encouragement for my future.

Now I know that I’m one of those adults. Not one that like is full of praises for smart little children, but an adult. My friends are now the teachers that we used to moan about. I’m now the adult on the other line when you call. Today I spent my time at work trying to talk to doctors- I consider it very adult of me to call up hospitals and weave through directories and receptionists and say words like hypercholesterolemia (no, I don’t work in the medical industry take a look at my degree (oh my god I have a degree)). But on the other hand, as I find myself progressing in maturity, I am also regressing in maturity. I know that sounds so weird. I will try explain.

Lately, I have displaying more childlike qualities. That sounds so fucked up lol. But I do things that I used to not do when I was kid, but is totally kiddish.  I will give you examples..

1) I am now so picky of food.

My parents raised me to be super not picky of food. I ate everything and anything because my parents forced me to eat it. If I was allowed as a kid, I would have never eaten fish or drunk a glass of milk, but my parents made me and my brothers drink a glass of milk everyday, not that it did much for our growth. But I could, and would eat everything on a plate, and was taught never to leave food behind on a restaurant.

But now…

I have a burning hate toward onions and zucchini.

I HATE zucchini. My parents have made me eat zucchini in my life and I had never really started hating it with a passion until last year. I like cucumbers, because its like water. It has no taste. Zucchini has a flavour and I think it’s disgusting. Because of zucchini, I went against my cardinal rule of never leaving a plate empty.

I went to a Mediterranean restaurant and l ordered the meatballs. To my disgust it came with a lot of “seasonal vegetables” which included zucchini. I hated it so much that I ate one and then left the rest, which was the majority of the vegetables. One of my biggest regrets in 2k15- ordering the Mediterranean Meatballs which contained zucchini #welearnfromfailurenotsuccess

I have also become a hater of onions. I don’t hate them as much as zucchini, but I still hate them. When I go to Subway, I always say everything (including jalapenos and olives because I’m an adult and like that shit now) except onions. I think in all of 2015 the amount of onions I ate probably didn’t amount to two slices. I say two because now I’m thinking about how I went to burger fuel and maybe I had a burger with onions. Do Big Macs have onions? Now I’m doubting my claim.

2) I like mushy food.

I thought I hated mushy food because I hate rice porridge, another food my parents forced me to eat (this is a theme- my parents forced me to eat things I didn’t like). But last year I had creamed rice for the first time in my life and I really, really liked it. It was weird. I felt like I was eating baby food. But it was yummy. I want to eat it now. Creamed rice is for babies. I would’ve been very anti creamed rice because I like food that you chew but now I am conflicted.

3) I am entertained by funny noises and toilet humour.

My age when it comes to what I find funny is pretty messed up because I LOVE funny noises. Someone in my office always makes funny noises, and I mean like awkward grunts and stuff and I will laugh until I cry. I also love poo jokes. But then I also really like nsfw jokes too. I would repeat them but like… I don’t want people to google that and come to my blog lol.

4) I love lying down

I can’t nap, but I really like pretending that I am. I used to hate lying down, I thought it was way too vulnerable. I would never let my parents tuck me in and they never did anyway. But now I love lying in my bed. I would go to sleep but I can’t, I’m too alert, plus it takes me around 2 hours to actually fall asleep and I can’t wait 2 hours for a nap to happen. I get hungry, go on the internet/my phone during the day. But I love being a blob that can’t walk and all I do is turn over in my bed. Love it. This isn’t proof that I’m regressing but more of what a lazy poo I am but I don’t care

5) I love lollies now.

I used to not be a fan of lollies. Then I got a whole jar of gummy lollies from my friend for my birthday and they were so yummy and I ate them all lolol. And then I got a bag full of lollipops and I was convinced I wasn’t going to eat them because I don’t like lollies and then I did. I used to not be a fan of sweets- I would buy chocolate and then eat some and hide it away, before rediscovering it a few weeks later because I would forget about it. But now I’m like chowing down on the chocolate and sweets and unlike a kid, noone tells me I’m only allowed to have two. So I eat the whole thing….

And lastly, this probably doesn’t surprise you since you’ve probably noticed this a lot in my blog. You don’t even need to know me in real life to imagine me doing this.

6) I whine. A lot. To my friends and my family.

I am always complaining and whining about little things that don’t actually matter. Something that springs to mind is that in my office there are mugs in red, green, dark blue and light blue. I actually refuse to drink out of the green mugs. I am close to two of my co workers, and we always go to the kitchen together and one of them will always make tea for all of us. And then I will WHINE if I have a colour that I don’t like. I shouldn’t, but being picky is like my brand haha. We all know now that Esther doesn’t like the colour green. And it’s first the red mug, and if the red mugs aren’t there it’s the dark blue mugs. It gets to a point where my coworkers will give up the dark blue mug for me, because there are only two red mugs and sometimes the red mugs are already dirty. And we all also know Esther is weird about the mug colours.

I also whine to my family, especially to my parents because they are the only ones who are receptive toward it. Yes, I am a 22 year old whiner. But it works in getting to what I want, and you got to change your tactics to suit the people.

I may look quite grown up on paper and sometimes when I talk, but my soul is still young… Am I trying to hold onto my youth? Getting to live out the traits I wanted to have as a kid but couldn’t because my parents were too strict? Either way, growing up is weirder than I thought. I don’t think I’ll ever call myself a grown up. I also lie about my age sometimes, so I don’t have to be a grown up just yet (although that is a very grown up thing to do).

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