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Even though one of my big no-no’s about this blog is that I won’t talk about work. I don’t think it’s a wise choice to mix real life with internet life, especially when it’s something as delicate as my *career* (what career tho).

But I will reveal, that I am actually office married.

I never thought that I would be that person to have an office husband.

But I do.

We are office married in that we work in the same room and have the same job, and it’s just us two all day every day for the majority of the 8 hours. After spending week upon week with this guy, we were declared an office couple sometime last year, when it became apparent that we stuck together and did everything we possibly could together and that we were each other’s favourites. It is a real office marriage, because outside of the office, we never communicate. If you snooped through our phones, we might’ve only sent a few text messages, all about work.

But when we’re together…

We know so much about each other.

And I revealed something to him that only one of my friends knows, because I was talking about how I didn’t know how to set up different accounts on my online banking and she showed me how and said “oh my god, how do you have that much money?”

I told him how much money I had.

This was because he asked me directly, how much money I had. And this is not even some of the most personal things we’ve talked about. We’ve discussed some really “secret” things.

And he was like “WHAT. Why don’t you travel, or move out?”

Also since now you’re probably curious, you’re probably wondering how much money I have.

Not enough lol.

The reason I have the amount I have is because:

1. I don’t have a car because I keep failing my restricted. I never pay for fuel, never bought a car, insurance, road costs, etc.

2. I live with my parents and pay peanuts for board. For bills, I only pay for my phone bill and my public transport bill.

3. Because I can’t drive, it means I can’t drive to wherever I please and spend it. If I want to go to a mall, I have to wait until either one of my friends wants to go shopping, which never happens, or my mum wants to go. But because I work full time and my mum works in the weekend, we never go. I also never online shop because I don’t like shopping without trying stuff on. I don’t have a “normal” body because I’m only 4’11, and I have to look at length and etc.

4. I have two jobs.

But lately, my friends and office husband have been asking what do I want to do in life. That I should travel. That I should move out. Don’t I want those things? Why am I not spending it?

I always say that I don’t want those things, but the truth is that I do. I do want those things. But unlike my friends and my office husband, I don’t want to do it alone or with them…

I want to do it with a significant other.

I know anyone reading this is like ??? what??? you do what you want girl. Move out, go travel the world without needing a man, what is this shit??

But you see, I’ve done those things before by myself and with my friends, and it was a lot more fun with a significant other.

Moving out in my family would be a Big Deal. If I moved out, I have too much pride to come crawling back, and I don’t think I earn enough to confidently say I won’t. My parents also think that I’m going to move out when I get married. If I moved out non hitched, there would be a potentially relationship splintering arguments. My parents are really conservative, and most probably say I’m wasting money, or if I was moving out for a boy, some names that feminists don’t like. Most probably, because they’ve done it before lol.

I don’t know why, but I have always been fixated on the thought of having a partner. I have travelled by myself before, and although I enjoyed it, I kept thinking throughout the whole time that I would’ve enjoyed it more if I had a partner. When I travelled with my family and my friends, all I kept thinking about was how I wanted to take my future partner to see this too.

When I lived by myself, although I liked it, I had bouts of depression where I felt like I was all alone and that noone gave a fuck if I lay in bed all day (which was true) so I did. I like being by myself, but it gets very depressing when you have noone to talk to for days and you also are a bit antisocial so you don’t seek out conversation so you end up getting more and more sadder, eating more and more worse and then eventually getting very sick (me).  When I lived with someone else, although it was fun, it kills me when they have a boyfriend because I’m like I!! want. That! I can also imagine myself getting really annoyed if for instance they kept taking baths, and I thought the water bill was too high, and I don’t like throwing parties. I don’t want to damage my relationships with my friends, so I love them but I wouldn’t want to live with them because they’d probably get annoyed with me.

I told my office husband that I needed a lot of encouragement to challenge my parents and to move out, he was like “well, I’ll be your encouragement. Be independent!”and I’m sure my friends might say the same thing.

But it’s not enough- because this is a potential family rift thing, are you going to replace my family then in my life? You can encourage me to go through the shit storm all you like, but in the end of the day, I’ll be the one fighting it. And for what? What is better on the other side? I already have my friends, I don’t need to cause family issues over that.

But for a partner…

See, with partners, they’re supposed to bear the shit storm with you. When I travelled with a significant other, they would be looking out for me, taking cute photos with me, making me feel very secure in that we had each others back and that I could be myself and I didn’t need to hide my true anti social self. I can honestly say, being in a relationship was the happiest time of my life.

When I lived with a partner, they would be the ones that I would trust in telling my family problems and being the family that I didn’t have. Someone else was telling me to stop eating chips because it was unhealthy, to get up so we can do stuff, to help me if I got sick, and to drive me around. Family is non judgemental, and you can be your true self. With significant others, I feel like my true self is valued, because the whole point of relationships is getting to know the other person as well as you can and sticking with them. And that’s what I want. Someone who wants to know the real me and who wants to stick with me. And I have, and would always, go against my family for that.

Yes, I do want to be independent.

But I don’t want to be alone.

I do have friends, but they all have partners. And honestly, if I became estranged with my family, I don’t think any of them would be up for listening to me, become very invested in it because it doesn’t affect them, and cuddle until we fall asleep because lesbe honest, our sexual orientation would prevent us from doing that haha, that scenario doesn’t appeal to me at all with another female lolol.

I’m not going to piss off my family and become the gossip of the circle for a cold bed, you know? I can function perfectly fine without financial support and living day to day life support, I can do everything myself (EXCEPT DRIVE LEGALLY BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT). But I don’t want to do that without emotional support coming from somewhere, and I mean deep, strong emotional support.

I will only be independent if I know it will make me happy. In my 22 years of life, my happiest time was being with someone (nothing to do with the actual person). You can bet that I will be dropping my money and family if I found someone that I thought was worthy of it.

I think that last sentence sounds so terrible, but please note that I said WORTHY. I wouldn’t do that for anyone, and not someone who isn’t doing the same thing for me. Let’s just say if we have a conversation about our finances and he told me how much money he had…

I am a firm believer that money DOES buy happiness, and like I said, I would only be independent if if I know it will make me happy 😉

Maybe in a few years time I’ll be like fuck it, I’m going to travel and move out all on my own because I can’t take it. But right now, for today, and for yesterday and for tomorrow, this is my current feeling.

And no, I would never, ever, ever get with my office husband. Our personalities are actually really complimentary but our marriage is as fake as my voice on the phone (this is a pun because my office husband and I spend a lot of time talking on the phone for our job).

Have a good night! I will now watch Youtube. I need a new TV show to get addicted to 🙁

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