I know I said I would stop, but seriously, I’m finding it really hard to not complain about having a boyfriend oh my god! I don’t know how people in my twitter list haven’t unfollowed me yet, that’s literally all I talk about.
Okay I just stalked myself. That is not all I talk about. Maybe that’s all I think about? It feels that way haha
I know, I know, things never show up when you look for them. Things like boyfriends just pop up in your life when you least expect them to.
Also, I have decided that in the future, when I do get a boyfriend, I might actually write about it because I didn’t with my last one. I think it will be interesting.
My friends were like “join tinder” and I’m like aaahh nooo. Do you know how SMALL Auckland is? And I know heaps of people have tinder just for the piss. I would be mortified if someone from my high school, or past work or current job found me and was like “oh my god Esther’s on tinder” like no. NO. We were swiping on my friends tinder and one of them suspiciously looked like an old boss of mine. If she got to him through her connections, I am sure I would too and that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
I think my biggest issue with tinder is that as a single person, and a girl, I think it sends out the message that you’re putting yourself out there, you’re looking for something. Some girls don’t mind that, but I really don’t like feeling that I’m the person who is looking out for someone. I would like to be the person that is looked at/looked for. It’s a feeling that I really don’t like experiencing, because when I was younger, I was really not that good looking and I did a lot of checking out of guys I thought were hot haha. And it’s like, I know they’re not looking back at me. They’re definitely not looking back at me. Why would they look back at me? I’m not cute. I will forever be the one looking at them. If I’m ever in a relationship, I would be the uglier one. How can someone fall in love with me? How can they be in a relationship, and when we have an argument, not just instantly break up because I’m not worth the baggage?
I don’t know if I blogged about it, but omg in America… I had a leeetttle breakdown regarding that. So what happened was that someone else liked my ex. So this girl, upon learning the news that I was going out with him, said “she’s not even that pretty without makeup”.
There are two pathways of thought
1. omg she just called me pretty
2. omg she just called me ugly
And since I have always been a little bit insecure about the looks, especially more so back then, which pathway do you think I went down?
I think if this had happened back home, I would’ve gone mental and unleashed all my bitches on her. But since I was in the States and so fucking insecure, like always asking my ex “do you think I’m pretty? I’m pretty right?” and so convinced that he didn’t find me pretty, that I went the second pathway.
Like I ran down that road really quickly… it’s actually really embarrassing how insecure I was :/
So I scared my roommate by hysterically sobbing the entire afternoon away, and I didn’t stop until like… I fell asleep at midnight lolol. I remember ordering wings and eating them with my ex while sobbing hahahahhahahahhahahha. SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING. Like I remember staring at the white fluffy carpet and my tears falling down OH MY GOD SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING!!!
While I was hysterically sobbing, I was having a major pity party through FB message with my friends, which also SUCKED because they were on the other side of the world and we couldn’t meet up and have like a cheer up day later, and I couldn’t go to my own private room and cry. Because you know what they say, hysteria likes an audience. I will guarantee cry longer if I have all these people watching me omg. So I did. For ages.
One thing that stopped me from crying so much though (and really, thank you so much Jess) was that I was messaging one of my friends and she was like stop. Stop feeling insecure. Because there is nothing more unattractive then an insecure mess. Stop crying in front of your new boyfriend because if you’re worried about looking bad, there’s nothing worse than someone who is so insecure and wrapped up with her looks.
And it was like a switch lolol. I was like ‘omg what am I doing, why am I crying so hard?? If I’m concerned about being ugly, maybe I should be concentrating on not bawling my eyes out so hard that I’m nearly drooling on the carpet (um, you try to eat chicken wings and cry at the same time lol). And you know what? She could’ve been so much meaner. Like that wasn’t even a mean comment.
Also I thought it was funny when afterwards I would make fun of what happened and whoever would be like O.o. Hey! I don’t get easily traumatised! Easy to tears, but not trauma! There is nothing that I won’t talk and joke about, I don’t think! It makes coping easier.
Aaaaannyywaaay (how did we get from tinder to this??), my point is, I hate feeling like I won’t measure up, that people are judging me just for my looks, that I have to actively seek out boys when why can’t they chase me in the first place?
I am also 1000% convinced the boys on there only want sex. And I am notoriously chicken shit at dates, why would I turn up to one if I don’t even know if we have chemistry or not? Because it doesn’t matter how much fun we had in text, what if we meet up and we don’t like the look of the other, I don’t want to spend so long with a complete stranger that I don’t want to be friends with. Yup. I don’t want any new friends. So if I don’t want a new friend, and I don’t want the person to be a boyfriend (yeah I don’t put out easily, its boyfriend or nothing) I would probably say I need to go to the toilet within 5 minutes of the date and run away. And that’s quite a rude move, but my happiness and comfort > anyone elses. I’m not going to waste my time and put myself in a situation that I don’t like just to be nice! I don’t even care what the other person thinks of me, as long as I am happy and doing what I want!
I think my self love is both depressing and inspiring at the same time. Like I prioritise myself amazingly well haha. But at the same time, my confidence in my attractiveness to others is not that great.
Next time if anyone says something like that to me again… let’s be honest I would probably cry hahaha. But next time I think I would stop crying after like 2 hours because I would avenge myself, probably bitch it out on my blog, and then go treat myself to something because I deserve it.
If noone loves me at least I love me..?
Me flirting tbh:
Me in a relationship: