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Today I didn’t have a very good day at all, and I was going to write a highly emotional post before I got a grip on myself. But I decided I’ll write about my dream, which was the start of my not so good day.

I had this dream, where I was really in love with this guy. He was Asian, and in my dream it was someone I knew, but the thing is, I don’t think he looked like the guy I knew. This guy in real life is extremely flirty. In my dream, that feeling was intensified to a point where I felt so much UST (urban dictionary it). He had this really pretty white girlfriend who was always around us, flitting around and talking to him and being his girlfriend, and alll the time we kept giving each other looks and messaging each other lovey dovey messages. I was the side chick. Is there any other name for it? Like the other one. I was the one who was second best, and oh my god, I felt so bad about myself but happy that I had his attention at the same time, which made me really unhappy when I woke up.

The feeling of happiness for some reason was really real. Because I felt so much tension between me and guy I dreamt up, I felt so, so dizzy with happiness that he liked me back. I think that’s what I like the most about relationships, and also something I find the hardest to do. Finding someone who likes me back. What this means is, boys who I don’t consider boyfriend material don’t get me trying them on ( GET THE PUN). I don’t know, the attraction was so real, I hope I can experience it in real life and not in my dreams LOL. I think that’s why it was so real, maybe- because my mind had made me believe that this guy really, really loved me when I looked into his eyes (WHICH I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER HIS FACE) because I was thinking “he loves me” without doubt. And to think “he loves me” without ant doubt in my mind might be something I will not be able to think about anyone for years. For years and years and years. In my dream we did a lot of longing staring. It was pretty sad. I think we were trying to arrange a time to meet before he left the country, and man. It was really weird.

But the other thing I was feeling was immense unhappiness in myself. I thought I was second best, and not worthy of his full attention because his girlfriend was white and was so much prettier than me (which also made me angry about this boy, like how dare he choose a white girl over me? You’re Asian, your parents would love me). Like I didn’t hate the girl in any way, I remember feeling I deserved to be the side chick, the less important one. Which is a terrible feeling. I know what it’s like to think that a little bit of attention is better than none, but I’ve learnt my lesson. To accept that you’re not that great and you know you shouldn’t be the side chick but you just like him so much that you can’t make yourself leave. Because anything is better than nothing, and it really feels shitty. I’ve read a lot of posts that go along the lines of “you wouldn’t talk to a child the way you talk to yourself”. And if I actually thought the way I felt in my dream, I think I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I already have ‘do you really like me’ issues when I’m in relationships. If I really was the side chick, I think I would be so depressed. Just knowing that he doesn’t want to leave another girl for me, that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, or like only just me, would be soulcrushing. I think in this situation, I would be like.. “but why? You obviously are attracted to me, and you like to pretend that you can’t keep away from me, so why not leave your girl? Why can’t you be exclusive? It’s not that hard. If you like a person, it’s not hard. If you hadn’t met me and still had your girlfriend, you would be exclusive. So why don’t you like me enough?”

And of course, I don’t want to hear an answer to that. That might be one of the worst things a boyfriend or a friend could tell me- things that they didn’t like about me. It will only lead to me trying to say anything I can back to make you cry.

So fortunately and knock on wood, I have not experienced being a side chick.

I actually do know how to make a guy like me, but it’s really hard.

He has to spend a lot of time with me.

I’m not talking about an hour a day for a year. I’m talking about spending a week with me. Every guy who has liked me has spent a lot of time with me in a short amount of space, preferably in an environment where people look their most natural-est. I know this is very specific, but I mean camps, seminars, living near each other. Spend a week with me boy (because I don’t look that bad without makeup, I’m actually very nice, funny and loyal and I don’t get into bad moods and I do stuff you didn’t think I had the guts to and am entertaining to be around while everyone else in camps is like, mosquito bitten and sad) you’ll be calling me your girlfriend.

Someone photoshop my face over his head plz haha.

I would really like to be somebody’s one and only girl please. Please universe, please! Someone who read my tarot cards said I should meet him soon. I would really like to.

This sort of relates to my dream because all I could think about while I was trying to sneak off with this boy in front of his girlfriend, and all I would think about when one day I do meet my real dream guy (get it lol) is that I better be your:

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