I am thinking that I have hit my quarter life crisis. I say quarter even though I’m only 20 because let’s just pretend I only live to 80 and I don’t know what to call it if it was 1/5th of 100. A fifth life crisis? I don’t even know.
Why am I am having my hyperventilating panicky heart palpitating keep me up at night crisis about? two things:
1) I have no idea what I’m doing next year. No fucking clue. Dude. EVERY YEAR OF MY ENTIRE LIFE IN MY HISTORY OF KNOWING I KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR! School!! I’m graduating in November, I’m DYING! I don’t know what’s going to happen! All I know is that I do not want to go back for further study!! I don’t know! I don’t know! WADVNOSCN:BHIOADXNLC ?VSNHCAPXKJV S?CLAJX???JB?VD?I :”””'( what is this? I cannot do this!! I cannot not know! I am like headdesking every second of my life! I don’t know! I don’t know!I don’t know what I’m going to be doing!!!! Especially since I know what I want and that is to do NOTHING with a rich ass perfect boyfriend who will support my sorry ass and give me everything I want. Which leads me to the next point which is my next panic attack point:
2) I am not handling single life well, if you haven’t been able to tell from my blog haha. I have no good envisions of the future. My settle down instincts were activated in America and with this upcoming graduation. I’m like imagining apartments and pet cats and what I want to buy and put in an apartment or a house or something. I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN OMG, I’m like 20, and I’m like security! Give me security! Give me a boy who I will fall madly in love with who is in this FUCKING COUNTRY who will give me all the feelings that I felt when I lived with my boy on the other side of the world! Give me someone who isn’t so impossible and hard to envision a realistic future with that doesn’t leave one of us miserable!!!! Give me someone, please! Give me him! Yes, I still really like him but I don’t want my life to be so hard. I don’t want my life to be a constant battle with immigration and wishing I was back home! I don’t want to live my life feeling like half of me is missing :(. I know, I know if you look you will never find. Love finds you, as cheesy as it sounds. But I cannot wait like this. I cannot not know. Because all I can imagine is either being comfortable and alone or lonely and uncomfortable. There are girls who say one doesn’t need a man. But noone says you don’t need love. And it’s so, so nice to be in love with someone and have a REAL plan of living happily ever after. It’s all I want. I want to live happily ever after, but I do not know where my Prince Charming is and I’m freaking out because it’s already a quarter in the book, and the story isn’t going as I wanted and I can’t get the Prince Charming who I really wanted.
My story is NOTHING how I wanted it go. And I am NOT liking it one bit! Do I not like my life right now? Yes and no. I LOVE what I am currently doing- getting to sit at home and do nothing, see my friends, not pay for necessities and spend all my money on things I want. I HATE the way some facts in my life are though. All my life I have always wanted to fall in love relatively young and do everything relatively young and quickly. I don’t know if you can call this mature or not. Like move out with a boyfriend relatively quickly, like next year. Like get married relatively early and quickly. Like travel the world relatively early and quickly. I want to have fun knowing someone is with me. I want to be SETTLED DOWN. But I cannot. The way my story is going, I cannot start it. I cannot move out next year with my boyfriend, because what boyfriend? And that is what is making me the most scared right now. If my ex had lived here, we would have been perfect. All my life goals, sussed. Timeline going to plan. But it’s not. I am not a multiple boyfriend girl. I think I get worse and worse after each one. I don’t date to date! I date for the m word! Which is terrible of me! Why am I like this? I’m not happy being carefree! I’m happy when I can see a path and I have everything to go down it. But right now, I want a path, and I imagine this path so much, but this particular path I am refusing to walk down alone (make it extra cheesy on what path I’m referring to, the path of life haha).
I know it doesn’t sound like a fun path, but when I was on it, it was so much fun. Seriously. There is nothing more I love than security and comfort. I loved knowing.
My biggest problem is that I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just know what I want and it’s not happening. I freak out everyday. You want to see my bucketlist of things I want to do before I die that don’t include having a man?
Here it is:
Yah see there is nothing there I’d rather have a boyfriend who is in love with me and vice versa that is HERE WITH ME than swim with a dolphin or go to Antartica or something like that (I think I already have touched a dolphin and I don’t want to go to Antartica tbh haha).
Please. Please, universe, cut me a break. I want my life to be what I wanted so badly so give me someone to fall in love with here. You’re so fucking cruel, you gave me what I wanted only to have it not happen. Give me love, you didn’t give it to me properly the first time, do it again, you owe me, my turn isn’t over. Give me someone else or give me the one you gave me properly this tiime. Why is it like this. I know, worst things could happen to me, but please please, you’ve been so good to me Universe, but you’ve made me cry so much as well, Please give me my happily ever after that I want, the life that I want that I can’t do alone.
I want my life to be what I want and all the options available to me aren’t what I want. I don’t know what to do.
At least the best thing about the quarter life crisis is that I’m still young enough to look pretty going through it. Stupid existential crisis. What is the meaning of my life, seriously. I don’t know why I always have to be fighting for something. I just want it to flow, like how everyone elses is doing.
Fuck my life. Use protection when doing it. Call me if you’re interested in anything more, really fml.