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Dear Esther,

I’m sorry it had to be this way.
I’m sorry you’re sad all the time.
I’m sorry that you stay up to 2 am sobbing your eyes out over someone you might never see again.
I’m sorry that as the days go on you remember more and more things, like you remember the first day you actually properly met him and you kept telling yourself not to say something stupid, because the memories are all you have and they’re all coming back, the inside jokes, the sounds, the awkwardness,the goofiness and the romance.
I’m sorry that when you think of being in love, it’s only him.
I’m sorry that because he treated you like a fucking princess, you know you can’t do any better.
I’m sorry that whenever you see a new picture of him on social media you start hyperventilating and tearing up.
I’m sorry that you developed some weird anxiety issue when you met him and you would get so anxious when you thought he was going to leave you or the thought of you two apart.
I’m sorry that it came true.
I’m sorry you lie in bed feeling like you’re broken and still wait for him to put you back together.
I’m sorry that you cannot think of bad times with him, because there were none.
I’m sorry that because it felt so right, because you knew he was the right one for you, that noone was against you two, that you wonder if he was Mr. Right.
I’m sorry that when you message him you pretend to be happy but really you’re crying, or angry, and wanting to break your phone apart but you know you can’t do that because then you wouldn’t be able to talk to him and you can’t let go.
I’m sorry you don’t even try to let go when he probably is.
I’m sorry that your mouth says its over but your heart and mind violently disagree and won’t even entertain the thought.
I’m sorry you’re still so in love with him.
I’m sorry that now you think love equals tears.
I’m sorry that you have every single day of 2014 and you wonder what he thinks of you now.
I’m sorry that you think you’re gonna be just another girl to him.
I’m sorry that you have become sobered about love, and when people say “I’d walk 5000 miles for you, I’d swim the ocean for you, I’d give it all up for you,” that you hate it because if you could have done that you would have done it already but you can’t and it doesn’t make you any less in love.
I’m sorry that all you do is miss him so that all you are is missing him.
I’m sorry that you look in the mirror when you get ready and wonder what the point is when you don’t have anyone to look nice for and no one to reassure you that you’re pretty and beautiful.
I’m sorry you were lonely and didn’t think there was anyone out there for you before, and here you are again.
I’m sorry that you imagine scenarios like the U.S. blowing up and all his friends and family having to move to NZ as refugees so then he’ll be yours again.
I’m sorry that one of you can’t apologise and it’ll all be better again.
I’m sorry that you’re an ambitious realist and I’m sorry he was one too which you loved and hated. I’m sorry that you loved that you two thought exactly alike, but at the same time you hate that he was rational and too real.
I’m sorry he wasn’t the type who threw caution in the wind and gave it all up for you.
I’m sorry you couldn’t be like that either.
I’m sorry that this has made you question fate and keep asking why. Why did this happen if it was to amount to nothing? Why were we together and perfect if we weren’t meant to be? What’s going to happen, and is this really all? I thought it was going to be all before I met him. Why is this happening?
I’m sorry the thought of going back to the US makes you sick with the thought of the plane ride, and then shit scared about seeing him that if you actually went, you’d be too scared to leave the plane.
I’m sorry you’re so scared of everything in the future, and you don’t know what you can do, and that everything you want isn’t yours or might not come true.

If I could make it all better for you I would. If I could just take one single boy out of all the billions of people in the world and give him to you I would. If I could just snatch him in the nights and return him when the sun rises I would. If I could pull on that stupid string of fate that supposedly binds two people who are meant to be together and pull and pull and pull him over the mountains and pull him to you I would. If I could make you stop crying because he’s the mountain you can’t get over and can’t see over and just gave you what you wanted I would. If I could make him tell you how much you mean to him over and over again so you feel like he’s not over you, I would.

I would give him to you if I could, if that was the only thing I could do.

And I’m sorry that you feel like all you are is sorry.


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