I am so worried.
I literally could not sleep last night because I’m so worried. I have to go back to New Zealand very soon. I am very worried about my flight back. I am worried about my luggage that I have to send back home. But most of all, I’m worried about what I have to leave behind.
I am very sure that I love him. I love him a lot. And when I’m lying there listening to him breathe as he sleeps, I don’t know how I can spend a night without him anymore. He’s always there to listen to everything I have to say and be interested, and want to spend every second with me and take me to sushi and ramen and Taco Bell just because I want to. He makes me laugh like no other and I want to know everything about him and spend every second with him.
But I can’t 🙁 and that makes me really, really sad.
But what makes me worried is our future. How are we going to be together with unlimited time to see where the relationship goes? Because I could not let go of him. But I would hate to live in NYC. And how will I afford to? And even find a job? And even survive on my own? He doesn’t graduate for a while. I graduate in November. I don’t want to spend years apart. Ideally we will live together before anything like cough a ring cough but that’s not possible until he graduates and there would he no way he could really support himself let alone a lifestyle for both of us. And I assume I need papers to work in the U.S., so even if I come back to work, on his breaks I’ll be busy with a full time job.
I’ve asked my boyfriend are you dating for dating or dating for marriage and he said he has goals and wanted to make this work really badly. And I know we’re young and naive but hey.
I had to travel to the other side of the world to meet this guy that I want and love and think is perfect. I couldn’t find this back home and I don’t know how I could especially since I don’t want anybody else. I think it’s more genuine that we are in love since this is anything but easy and convenient but both of us are willing to make it work.
But the other option- him move to nz? Oh I’m really for that.
But I know if we do that, he’ll be leaving his friends and family and potentially his dream career behind. His Mom would kill me haha. But if I move here, it would be the same for me. One of us has to give up their world for the other 🙁 and as much as I don’t want him to feel that way, I don’t want to feel that way either.
But I don’t want to live in the U.S. without knowing I’m going to go home with him. I don’t want the U.S. to be my home and I don’t want (I know, I know why am I thinking of this) my kids to be raised and go through the schooling system and the American society. As tacky as it sounds, I want them running barefoot through beaches and coming home in little uniforms with lunches I had made them after a day of learning about the metric system and multiculturalism and have lots of different friends, instead of coming back on a yellow school bus in their clothes that they’ve been judged about full of unhealthy cafeteria food having learnt that sport is the best and that you can’t be cool without playing a sport and tell me about it in a high pitched American accent lolol. I’m soz Boyfriend, but I’m never having kids in America.
So I’m worried. I don’t know how life will turn out for us. I wish I could just know, and be okay. I know the greatest fear is the unknown, but it really is true. I don’t know and I’m shit scared. It’s not like I could have ever predicted that coming to the U,S would have me meet Boyfriend and it’s probably one of the best things that have happened to me. I know I can’t predict this stuff and it have no idea what will happen to us that will let us be together. Life is unpredictable and I can’t think of a plan that can be perfect for both of us. I really want to know how we’re gonna turn out and what’s going to happen. Because I really, really want to be with him. But we live on opposite sides of the world.
So that’s why all I can do is worry 🙁