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I’m no longer worried about my boyfriend and I’s relationship any more.

He dumped me.

He would hate me phrasing it like that but that’s what he did. He broke up with me. It wasn’t a mutual decision. It wasn’t something I wanted and still want. I was so ready to make this work because I like him so so much, and I would say the other l word if he was still my boyfriend.

But obviously he doesn’t l word me as much as I thought he did/as much as I do to him.

But he was perfect for me. I can’t get over that. I don’t think I could ever find another like him. He would go to Asian supermarkets with me and not say ew at everything. He would open doors. He would plan for the future. He would tell me he loved me and we had so much fun together. Our feelings didn’t change but the distance was too much for him and how we are in different stages of our lives. It’s all true just like my last post but I thought he would have loved me too much to let me go so soon. I wanted him. I still want him so badly. In fact we’re sitting with each other and talking.

I loved him. I still love him because the way he talks to me and the way he makes me feel has not changed. If I was staying longer he’d still want me. But because I’m not he doesn’t want to try to keep it going. And that makes me sad that he didn’t want that.  He thinks we would get more lonelier and lonelier. But I already feel lonely without being able to make sexual innuendo jokes and jokes about our relationship to him because we’re no longer in one. He has been a really close friend. He knows things no one else knows. And now… And now what. We’ll never be able to be that intimate again without being inappropriate. I gave my secrets away too easily. Now even my secrets are my secrets any longer. All my favourite songs I associated with him, all my favourite movies, colours, jokes are no longer mine. They’re to do with him. I gave him a lot. I regret giving him so much of me. Because now how can I be myself without him?

How can I move on when I eat my favourite foods and they remind me of him and how he used to cook for me?  How can I listen to music when I used to hug him and sing in his ear about how he
made me feel like a teenage dream? How can I watch my favourite tv show and listen to Tina moan on Bobs Burgers and not have someone to imitate her and make me laugh until I cry?
How can I put on makeup and go on with my life when he was the one who made me feel confident without it and he’s the only one I want to look good for? How can I move on when I don’t want to? He’s the only one I wanted and I want. I don’t want it to change. I don’t want to get over him.

I didn’t want it to be a winter romance or whatever. I wanted it to be more than that so badly.
I didn’t spend all this time convincing my friends we were the real deal because I didn’t believe in it. I really thought this was love and he says he still loves me. And now I have to go back home to fake sympathies masking the I told you so’s and it kills me that I was so wrong and that I’m so in love and  that he doesn’t feel the same way. And that when I leave he’s gonna put away all our pictures, wash my tears that I’m currently dripping onto his bed and try his hardest to be a good friend over the internet while I look at our pictures everyday and try my hardest to be more than a good friend.

Desperate and pathetic times are here  for me. And I don’t know why I have to do it. It’s all his fault for breaking my heart and giving it back to me.

He’s rearranging his room right now and we will never be like this again. And to take away that chance of me being insanely happy with the person I love, no matter how naiive it was, no matter how hard it would be, I hate him for that.

But otherwise, I still love him so so much.

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